This morning was really fun...I took my scones and muffins to Abby's house and a group of us helped her address her wedding invitation envelopes. It was fun to catch up with that group of women, and the coffee, laughs and good food made it even better. The strawberry trifle Abby made was DElicious!
The day didn't really start out wonderfully for me. I had a dream about an ex and his girlfriend, and I just had this horrible sad feeling the entire time. Dreams are so odd...for some reason, we were all in my grandparent's living room and they were just going on and on about all of this stuff and I think I was trying to put things in my backpack as quickly as I could so I could just get out of there...it was SO awkward. I remember thinking that later I was going to go somewhere and cry. I've never had an interaction with them in real life (I think God has truly protected my heart from witnessing that), so this was a little random. I haven't cried about this for a long time...ever since the day I found out about them and proceeded to rip everything up he ever gave me (probably the most dramatic/ridiculous thing I'd ever done, but it was healing, let me tell you!).
Luckily, I didn't wake up crying. Or cry after I woke up. It took a bit to clear my head and realize yes, it's true, they're dating but by the grace of God we will never be forced to be in the same room...especially not my grandparents living room! Needless to say my focus was completely screwed and I just kept mulling things over in my head...things I thought I was done with. After a break up, there are certain thoughts that completely captivate your mind. You run over things a million and one times, but at the end of the day, you're still faced with an emptiness, and the fact that you are alone once again. I remember being alright during the day (except when I heard a car go by my window with exceptionally loud bass) but night time was the worst...having to just LIE there with your thoughts for hours on end was horrible. I cried most nights and basically got every tear I ever had out of my body. It was QUITE exhausting. And I wasn't just crying over this relationship that had ended...it was the friendship behind it also. I was faced with the daunting task of taking my heart back from someone who had had it for far too long...a heart I'd willingly allowed this person to hold when they really didn't even deserve it.
I have many moments where I fail, and I'm simply a meanie butthead, but for the most part I consider myself to be a loving and forgiving person. I think I heard a quote once that spoke to the fact that the bigger heart a person has, the more it'll hurt when it breaks. And for some reason, the people with the big hearts get taken advantage of more often, thus resulting in broken hearts that have a harder time healing with each new wound. I battered myself with degrading thoughts, watched movies to make me cry even more, and basically hated being at school. HATED it. It quite literally made me ill to be there and the closer it got to Christmas break, more urgent was the need for me to run as fast as I could home.
Healing didn't begin to come until I was home and far, far away from any house on a street corner, from memories that cropped up at the oddest of times. I was surrounded by love...by people who loved me and valued me. People who have always done that, and who will continue to do so until we all die. When I began to let go...or at least loosen the grip a bit...things began to look up. It helped we didn't talk at all-praise GOD for that! (I have a tangent about that, but this post is already long enough...haha) Even after I got back to school, things just started to look up...once again, I attributed that to God and my relationship with him that just kept growing. I mean, who else did I have that created me and knows me entirely? No one.
All of that to say that eventually the tears dried...because honestly, they were being wasted on the wrong person. That sounds really harsh, but when you can see things in hindsight, there's no need to mince words. I looked back over our relationship, over all of my failed relationships, and reassessed all of these really "great" elements to each one that really aren't so great at all. Not even in the least. And I've come to the conclusion (from the Word of God and people he brings in my life to encourage me) that I haven't been treated right in any of my relationships. Save for my dad and brother and a few other males, there are have far too many guys who've treated me like crap, simply because they can, and that's just NOT ok. None of them deserve my tears, my thoughts, my hopes or dreams. Far too many of them are little boys who THINK they're men, pretending to be something they're not. It makes me so mad that too many guys don't TRULY take a look at themselves before they even think about trying to enter into a relationship. You just can't be in a healthy relationship if you haven't first worked on yourself...sheesh, that's turning into another tangent!
Anyway...all that to say this day has turned out to be much better than I initially thought it would. I've been surrounded by people who care, and who have repeatedly confirmed in my life that I am worth something. A thought came to me...I am worth SO much more than the worth I've been "assigned" by those who have taken advantage of me.
And I—in righteousness I will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness. Ps. 17
Dearest Danielle,
ReplyDeleteYou spoke exactly my thoughts.
Someday girl, God's going to give us someone worth our time!
I love you.