WARNING: This is very real, very unfiltered. Don't read any further if you feel like you can't handle that.
This past week has been a week of many emotional events, including news of various relationships that have just thrown me for a loop and put me in a funk.
I also came to the jarring and bizarre realization that 3 guys I've dated are either married to or will be marrying girls with the same name. How crazy is that?! I'm really hoping that's some sort of record or something...I'll be writing Guiness soon. Maybe it's a sign from the Lord telling me I shouldn't date...ever. I really don't know what brought on that revelation, but as soon as I checked Facebook to confirm that it was true, all I could do was just laugh and laugh and laugh, straight from my gut. No one was home at the time, or one of my roomies would've thought I was going coo coo for cocoa puffs for SURE. But then as I continued laughing, I suddenly felt the urge to weep, much like the first time I watched "50 First Dates" and Rob Schneider told his kids to dive down to the bottom of the ocean to fetch his...man parts.
Thankfully, I didn't begin to cry. The laughter eventually stopped, and then all I could do was just sit there, feeling more unattractive and unwanted than I have in a long time. (Part of that might have to do with the fact that I was slouching, while wearing my dad's cuffed sweatpants from '83 and my hair all a mess. I hadn't even brushed my teeth yet). My bizarre realization stuck with me throughout the rest of the day and into the evening, when I had yet another thought:
I am a spinster.
This thought was just about as unpleasant as my early morning thought and so in order to ease my troubled mind, I had to do a little research as to what a spinster really is. According to Wikipedia: (college kids, ALWAYS cite Wiki as a source. Your profs will love it), a spinster is:
A spinster, or old maid, is an older, childless woman who has never been married.
(and)
For a woman to be identified as a spinster, age is critical. A
"spinster" is not simply a "single" woman, but a woman who has not
formed a human pair bond by the time she is approaching or has reached menopause and the end of her reproductive lifespan.
(Positive-I'm not approaching menopause. But wait, there's more...)
"If someone is a spinster, by implication she is not eligible (to marry); she has had her chance, and been passed by," explains Robin Lakoff in Language and Woman's Place. "Hence, a girl of twenty cannot be properly called a spinster: she still has a chance to be married."
(Well, crap. I'm 23. And I've been passed by a few times. Definitely not getting any younger).
"In modern everyday English," the New Oxford American Dictionary says, "spinster
cannot be used to mean simply ‘unmarried woman’; it is now always a
derogatory term, referring or alluding to a stereotype of an older woman
who is unmarried, childless, prissy, and repressed."
(Hm. Unmarried, childless and repressed=yes yes and sometimes. Greaaaat).
"By the time of the 19th century, the term evolved to refer to women who were so
finicky that they refused to marry. During that century "middle-class
spinsters, as well as their married peers, took ideals of love and
marriage very seriously, and ... spinsterhood was indeed often a
consequence of their adherence to those ideals. ... They remained
unmarried not because of individual shortcomings but because they didn't
find the one 'who could be all things to the heart.'"
(Ohhh geesh. I feel like I'm a very picky person when it comes to relationships, but is it possible that I'm in the wrong for being TOO picky?? AHHH!)
Come to find out, none of that is very encouraging or lovely. Supposedly there's even a documentary that's been made called "Cat Ladies", which chronicles the life of several women who claim to be spinsters and who spend their whole lives devoted to their cats. No chance of that happening to me though, because the 2 cats I have tend to drive me up a wall and I mostly want to throw them out a window, not collect more of them and put their pictures on sweatshirts.
As I continued to process this, one last thought came to my head, and it is this:
Why can't I be a SEXY spinster?
No, I'm not talking "sexy" as in fishnets and back alleys, but simply as a strong, independent woman who loves to dress up occasionally and paint her toenails red. A woman who can bake, clean, and crochet a baby blanket or bikini when the occasions arise. A woman who doesn't spend her Saturday nights throwing back drinks at some trashy bar, but rather hones her sewing skills diligently, and now has several ruffled aprons to show for her efforts. This woman doesn't need a wedding gift registry to ask for such things as a KitchenAid mixer, bamboo spatulas or mixing bowls, but has acquired them out of her owns means and diligence. (Frankly, which one of your friends is going to drop the big bucks to get you a KitchenAid anyway?)
I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I don't see my current, single position in life as something to be cried over or felt sorry for. Sure, it'd be nice to take a break from the sewing every once in awhile and maybe go out for a lovely dinner, but I'm not going to sit and twiddle my thumbs, waiting for it to happen. No, I'm going to be productive and learn new skills, or get better at my old ones. I'm going to daydream and plan and think and journal and play outside and wear twirly skirts and cowgirl boots. I'm going to redeem the term "spinster", and be more creative than ever. I'm currently working on my third apron (it's bright pink and precious) and I have plans to make my own Easter outfit! Ideas for cupcakes and cheesecakes continually run through my head, and I'm very thankful to have a place where I can sell my goods and create a client base. Speaking of selling goods, I just might take some of my cakes, cookies and healthy goods to local farmer's markets. Seriously, why not??
I feel as if this time I've spent dabbling with domesticity is going to serve me very well in the future. It's hard, but I try to keep believing that somewhere out there, maybe in the remotest corner of the earth, there is a man that has been specially designed for me, and he will love everything I have to offer. He will love my apron collection and my baked goods, and will enjoy taking long walks through the mountains with me. He won't mind going out for hot dates, but he'll also be content just to stay in and watch ESPN, while I craft lovely things in the next room. I think he'll even be a little creative, and will enjoy surprising me with sweet little things just to see me smile. He'll occasionally feed something I made him to the dog, and I might accidentally dye one of his favorite shirts in the wash. But it'll be ok, and we'll kiss and make up, because we were meant for each other and will love each other unconditionally.
Sadly, that day hasn't arrived yet.
Until then, I'm going to keep on keepin' on, doing the things I love the most and giving hugs and reassuring pats on the shoulder when I can. Spreading smiles and laughter and sunshine wherever I go. Judge me if you'd like, but I'm having LOTS of fun.
Spinster OUT.
