I can't really say much more than that at this moment, when my heart is COMPLETELY full, and I am just basking in God's goodness. Have you ever had a moment like that? When His love, grace, forgiveness, compassion and kindness is suddenly made so very real, and all you can do is sit back and say "WOW."
Last night, I took part in a moment like that.
I had the opportunity to pray over the one whom God has given to me, the one whom my heart has been waiting for, and God unleashed His perfect healing and perfect love in a very real, very tangible way. It was amazing, and beautiful and powerful and everything that our God is. It's not very easy to describe and I don't feel the need to the details of that intimate moment, but I can tell you that I have not experienced something like that in my whole life, much less with someone that I've dated.
You see, in the past, I haven't made the best choices when it comes to men. (For those of you who have been there with me, you can shout out a loud "AMEN!"). I feel like laughing, crying, and cringing all at the same time when I think over my dating history. There are definitely some ugly moments, some moments that I wish had never ever happened. There are times when I let my guard down and completely went to places far beyond where I ever wanted to go. By God's grace I still have my purity, though I am not without scars. I honestly cannot tell you why I made those stupid choices, and how I could possibly think I was following the Lord closely when some of my actions were so far from His Word.
By nature, I am a "fixer." If something is broken, I will try my very best to find a way to fix it, because I can see the potential in it. I love to believe the best about people, and for some reason I sometimes think that MY words and actions can change someone's thought pattern. Without fully realizing it, that is the mindset I had in many of my dating relationships. I overlooked major issues in order to be with someone that I "loved", and I misinterpreted their ungodly actions as love.I would plead and pray with God to change their hearts, but little did I know that on their end, they didn't really want their hearts to change. I mean, maybe they did, but I can only go off of the fruit I saw in their lives, which really wasn't much. I thought that I was being respected, but now that I'm looking back, I realize I wasn't, at ALL. Not that I was being beaten or abused in any way, but I feel as if I was taken advantage of. Yet I have to also point a finger of blame at myself, because I did nothing to stop it. If I didn't put up a fight, then things were ok, right?
No. Not at all.
I consider myself to be a strong, independent Northern woman, yet for some reason in dating situations I froze, and tried to be as giving and as accepting to my boyfriend at the time so that they would cherish me. Sometimes that meant comprising values I held dear, yet somehow I was able to justify my actions. And maybe by being so loving and giving, I could "save" that person. I hate to even write all of this, yet it's all true, and I feel as if the Lord is prompting me to share part of my story in order so that someone can be encouraged, someone can know that there is hope, grace, and forgiveness.
There is one instance that sticks out in my mind, the moment when I almost lost one of the most precious and sacred parts of myself. It was frightening, and SO so wrong. And as I reflected on that moment later, I began to feel completely ashamed, and it made me question the entire relationship. What had we built our relationship on? It certainly wasn't God...not in the least. I began to think over most of the times that he and I hung out, and I realized that I had never really walked away feeling encouraged or without some form of guilt. But he LOVED me, right? So did that make it all ok?
Nope.
That relationship eventually ended, and I tried to share with him my thoughts and feelings on that one moment, but he only tried to justify it and never really apologized. I couldn't believe it, but it only solidified the fact that we NEEDED to break up. I didn't cry very much honestly, because I knew how wrong our relationship was. Praise God that in his mercy, He allowed me to walk away and start afresh.
It wasn't until just a few weeks ago that I was able to forgive myself for the shame that I've been carrying, and to give it all to God. It was really hard, but I had to forgive that person who had wronged me, and then let it all go. This was all largely due to the beautiful relationship God has brought about in my life this past April. It has been nothing like I've ever experienced, and now I can say that I know what it means to be truly loved for who I am, and to be respected. My heart is being treasured and cared for, and I have NEVER walked away from spending a day with Ben with a feeling of shame or guilt. From the very beginning, my needs have been put above his, which is something I had to get used to.
But the most important and beautiful thing is how Ben's love and actions constantly point me to Jesus. There is NO way that he could love me like that on his own, but by God's grace and power, and with HIS love, Ben loves me without abandon, without a regard to my past. He is not perfect, and he would never ever say that he is, but he is perfect for me. When you truly let go and let God direct your path, He does exceedingly great things. He is continually teaching us about His grace, His redemption, His love, and His forgiveness.
As I prayed over my love last night, the Lord brought a phrase to my mind that I could not stop repeating:
You are forgiven. You are redeemed. You are free.
Over and over He spoke that to my heart, and I spoke it to Ben. It was NOT by my own power, but by the power of our God. His love and redemption were tangible and real and quite indescribable. I know to some, this may seem silly or weird, but it was real, and beautiful, and something that neither of us will ever forget. I truly cannot deny that it is Christ's power that is at work in my life, and I want everyone to know!
For those who have made mistakes, who maybe are realizing for the first time that they never fully committed their lives to Christ, who think they are too far from grace...you are not. Ben and I will both tell you that you are NEVER too far from the love of God to reach into your heart and change everything. You are not defined by your mistakes or anything that happened to your past. No matter what transpired, you can be free from any chains that are wrapped around your heart. The devil tries to come in and speak lies that you are unworthy, unforgiven, unloved, but he has NO power when it comes to the blood of Christ. All that God wants is the glory, and when we choose to bask in His love and forgiveness, He wipes away our tears and gets rid of everything that is holding us back from a deeper relationship with him. He frees our hearts and sets us in a "wide and spacious place." Sometimes, that process can be a little bit painful, but remember that in the end he will make it all okay. It is part of that refining process that is necessary to grow in your relationship with Him, and it pushes you to a place where are 100% sure that He is real, and that He loves you beyond measure. 1 Corinthians 12 speaks of God's grace in such a beautiful and poignant way.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
How beautiful and freeing is that? Paul goes on to write:
"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I have nothing to add to that.
You are making all things new, and we are free.
