Beautiful moments/things I'll miss.

Some of my Juniors...already miss these silly girls.

It's probably not a huge surprise to tell you how much I've been daydreaming and reflecting and thinking lately, but needless to say, that's what I've been doing. My second summer at P-M is only a week and 2 days from ending, and I'm going through a mixed bag of feelings. On one hand, I really am looking forward to my own bed, an interrupted night's sleep, and a room that isn't full of mice, spiders and wasps. On the other hand, I'll miss my girls, John's cooking, and the most beautiful morning runs I've ever had in my life. Like today...technically it's still my day off but of course, my body woke me up early-5:45am to be exact. Nature was also calling at that exact moment, and as I stepped outside to walk to the bathroom, I noticed how lovely the sky was. The sun wasn't up yet, but the entire sky was a very light blush pink...it was like the sky was just holding its breath WAITING for the sun to come up. It sounds simple, but it gave me the fuel I needed to have an amazing run. It's crazy, even though it's almost August, it's cold enough in the mornings to make my eyes water and make my able to see my breath. I love this place.

More things I love about Colorado:
-The sunsets.
-A little house on a mountain I look at everyday and think-"Someday, I want to live there." It's perfectly situated on top of a mountain so it can see both sunrise and sunset.
-The mountains.
-Euzoa Bible Church. The worship team there.
-Waking my girls up in the morning.
-Oatmeal with all the fixin's.
-Journaling on my back stoop.
-Having the most beautiful view out of my door.
-Cold mornings.
-Reading my girls "Hector and the Search for Happiness" every night before they go to sleep.
-The other counselors.
-Bears that visit the camp several times a week (well, maybe not this one).
-The meadow at the top of Buffalo Pass.
-The sunshine. Even after a rainy day, the sun still comes out.
-Being needed.
-All of the yummy places to eat in downtown Steamboat.
-Tubing on the Yampa (doing this next Saturday...I HOPE I'll love this).

And a million more things.

Decisions, decisions.

Sunset over Lincoln Ave. in downtown Steamboat

In just a few short weeks, I'll be back home in Ohio. Weird, huh? This summer has FLOWN by. To tell you the truth, it's a bit overwhelming. I feel like a lot has happened in such a short time and now I'm just grasping at the time left I have in Colorado and with my girls desperately. But no matter what I do, time keeps marching on and soon I'll be flying away from one of my most favorite places on earth. I reflect quite a lot, so right now I'm thinking back to earlier this year when I couldn't believe that I'd soon be a college graduate, but that time has come and gone and now I've moved on to the "next big thing" (apparently my key phrase for this summer). This "big thing" is almost over and then it's on to what I've been waiting for my entire life...the time when my REAL life begins. Hahahaha. I just have to audibly laugh at that, because as far as I know I've BEEN living these past few years. I guess it's more accurate to say that in a few weeks I'll just be opening a new chapter in the Book of Danielle.

My so called "life plans" have fluctuated like craaaazy for the past year. After my summer in CO last year, I seriously contemplated the major I chose and debated whether I was truly called to a career in the performing arts. Pretty scary stuff right there. When you've put so much time and effort into something, and then to suddenly feel like maybe you chose to do the wrong thing is a pretty faith rattling experience. I've thought of all sorts of careers and options, yet nothing seemed to work out. I've pursued several things in Colorado, simply for the fact that I love it here. I feel at home and believe I've found a church that I could go raise a family at. But there's this little thing called "timing", and after the doors I tried to walk through here have shut, I've been forced to put my "Colorado dream" for the time being. I believe that someday God could open the door for me to move out here and I guarantee I will RUN through it. Hopefully it won't be by myself, but with my love by my side.

Then there was the "Jackson plan". I'd be lying if I said that this was on the top of my list. Frankly, I hate the thought of living in such a dangerous city and being back in the dirty south. The climate, the lack of healthy living, and several other factors turn me from it. But on the other hand (which is a pretty big hand), Daniel, Marie and several more of my closest friends live there and I would love love LOVE to be close to them once again. I don't think I can express how much I mean that. There's also a big BUT with this one. I don't have a job lined up at this point, and by the time I get there, I would have missed the chance to audition for the professional theatre in Jackson, which I know is probably something I should do. I don't know what would come of it, but being the busy body that I am, I'd like to be able to have something to do in the evenings and get the opportunity to get directed by some new people. Once again, there's this darn "timing" thing, and if I'm truly trusting God to direct my steps, then making a hasty decision to move down South would be in complete opposition to that. Thankfully, a trip to good ol' Jackson is tentatively planned for the end of August so it's not going to be too much longer until I'm reunited with my loves, even if it is only for a few weeks.

After all of that, I think there's a plan that has come to the forefront of my mind and seems to be winning out above all other plans. Financially, it's the wisest thing I could do since these next few months will bring the start of my payments for my loans I had to take out for school. After I come home from camp, I've decided that for the time being, it will be the smartest thing to move in with my parents, at least until late fall/early winter. Haters can laugh all you like, but as I see how many doors are starting to open after making this decision I have peace knowing that for now, this is the best thing I can do. I've had it in my mind to get my Pilates mat work certification and living at home would allow me to do that. I'd be able to use money that I've been saving up to put towards that and a gym membership, which I'd need in order to train under a Pilates instructor. It may be a good idea for me to work there...free classes, anyone? Yes please. I'll also be able to sub at the school my mom works at (the school I graduated from) and it'd be nice to save a little money and ride to school with her. A full time position in the day care has yet to open up, but after talking to my old boss there, I have a feeling it could eventually. And the money that I would've spent on rent can be put towards paying off my loans, which sounds like such an adult thing to say. I guess I'm growin' up, huh? I won't lie and say that this is going to be the easiest thing ever. I'm sure my parents and I will have our fair share of tiffs, but I have some great friends around and opportunities to get away for a weekend at a time. It'll be really hard being far from Daniel, but I know that God is going to continue to work in us during this time. Oh, and I just saw an audition for a musical at a Columbus Children's Theatre, which happens the day after I get back. Besides physical theatre, the genre of children's theatre is really appealing to me. We'll see what happens with all of these plans and what God chooses to do.

As I continue to mull over things in my mind, my spirit is becoming more and more peaceful with the decisions I've made. It all has the potential to change in the blink of an eye, and I think that with the money I'll be saving I'll be ready to go wherever when I'm called. Is this what I had planned for myself a year ago? No, probably not. But will this end up being the best thing for me? Yes...for now. I'm a being of change so I feel like he won't keep me in Ohio for forever. But if he does? Well, I can't really argue with that. More and more I'm learning to have patience and learning that I am not the only one going through the struggles I'm experiencing. I've been surrounded by some truly beautiful people who are at similar places in life and who will be my prayer partners these next few months. I can see various opportunities opening up in front of me and I'm EXCITED. As I strive to live in the moment, I am looking forward to these short and precious weeks left in my second home and am also excited to see Daniel in just about a month.

God is up to something...and it's pretty big.

Time flies...

..not only when you're having fun, but also when you least expect it. It continues to fly even when the day seems slow and pretty soon you go from struggling to stay calm as the 5th child comes to you with "homesickness" (which, if you didn't know, is a communicable disease), to saying good-bye, to welcoming thirteen 13 year old girls into your cabin and life. Seeing how my new group of campers interacts is like a step back in time for me, and has caused me to ponder the passing of time, and how not so long ago I was one of those girls. I often think "how would I act if I were a camper with these girls?" and truth be told, I'd probably be just as loud and boy crazy. It's funny to me how much a difference I've noticed between my Junior campers and the YAI's I now have. There's only one year separating them, yet it feels like 20. More make-up, more time to get ready, more independence, and a little bit less respect for Elise and I. We haven't had any major dramatic incidents, and I'm praying that the drama is kept on the stage for the rest of the time they're here. I find myself struggling a bit to connect with these girls, because they're SO independent and don't rely on me as much for support and love. I think we just need to get to know each other better and they need to know they can trust me. I'm different from their mom, yet I can't quite be their BFF, because there still has to be a definite line they can't cross with me. I have to love always, yet discipline when necessary. Being a teacher/mentor/counselor is HARD work...yet I love it so completely. God, is this what you want me to do with my life???

Besides the uncertainty I'm feeling in several areas of my life right now, God has given me SO much joy. On Sunday, I was finally able to return to Euzoa Bible Church, the sweet little church I walked to several times last summer. My fear upon returning was that it would've changed in a negative way...maybe gotten smaller or switched pastors or something. But as I walked up to the church, some of my fears were laid to rest as I saw TONS of cars in the parking lot. When I walked in and was once again greeted warmly, I felt instantly at home. It's been awhile since I've really felt connected to a worship service and able to fully bask in God's glory. But at Euzoa, I just let it all go and once again raised my hands in worship. Tears were welling up in my eyes as my mind filled with a million thoughts...thoughts of Christ and his love, how perfectly at peace I felt, how I wished my loved ones could be experiencing it with me. The message was also wonderful, and just what I needed to hear. The pastor spoke about identity, and how the most important place to find our identity is in Christ. Compared to that, nothing else really matters. In light of my future (which continually hangs in the balance), this was such a comfort to my spirit to never stop seeking GOD'S will for my life, no matter who tells me to do or don't move somewhere or what. Or no matter how loudly my heart speaks and tells me to move back to Mississippi because of a certain someone. I mean, if that's what God wants for me then I'll go, no questions asked, but I don't think I can say for sure that's what he wants at this time. But enough about the future...here are some things that I'm grateful for RIGHT NOW:

-the view out my door
-epic sunrises/sunsets
-AMAZING food
-the Ladder 110 from Johnny B. Good's
-talking about the South (including small girls wearing big bows) with my camper from Baton Rouge
-talking with my girls....finding out about their lives, boyfriends, everything
-the simple joy of an amazing bowl of oatmeal in the mornings, accompanied by an equally amazing cup of coffee
-the restoration of relationships...realizing how very important someone is to you
-smiles. Smiling is my favorite.
-days off
-Tevas
-living in a rustic cabin for 2 months
-realizing how very open and exciting the future is
-daydreaming
-Euzoa Bible Church
-letters from a special someone...and writing letters in return


I could go on and on, but I won't. I have to go get my girls from a hang out spot on camp called the Green Room. This little hour break I've had is much needed, and I'm looking forward to going to church again tomorrow morning. I'm actually walking with a college student to church whom I found out was a Christian last Sunday. Praise God for fellowship and his faithfulness.

It's hard to believe I have less than a month here, and I'll try to be better at posting things...

WOOF.

This is where I am for the summer, and I'm loving it.

For the most part.

I say that not because of the scenery or my girls, because as you can see, it's GORGEOUS here. It's even prettier and the air is more crisp that I remembered...possibly due to the snow still on the mountains. (July...snow...whaaat?) And I have a pretty stellar group of 12 year olds in my cabin this year. How we've managed to get a group that hasn't had a single cat fight is beyond me. They're crazy, silly, beautiful, and SO caring-it's safe to say I'm falling in love with them.

I guess the one thing that hasn't made this year 100% enjoyable is CHANGE. Not really the actual changes so much, but the way they've been handled at times. The camp has experienced much change in the past year and many things are new and being tried for the first time. Some of those in leadership positions are here for the first time, which makes it hard for us returners who feel like we have a little better bearing on how things run to understand why certain things are being done. It's a tough position, because it's not really our place to question the decisions made. But more often than not, I find myself speaking up rather than holding back and I've been learning to do so in a manner that's not offensive or rude. Rude confrontations make me anxious and completely uncomfortable, so I try to avoid that at all costs. I can't really go into detail, but my spirit has been tried in many different ways this past month and everyday I'm learning how to roll with the punches more and more and be a peacemaker. Sometimes speaking peace is more important than speaking up.

I feel like my thoughts are all over the place-probably due to the fact that it's about 11:30 and I'm used to being asleep by this time. Earlier this week was a bit rough, because the terrible disease of homesickness (or "fudge waffles" as we try to call it to make the kids laugh) spread through my cabin. Combined with tummy aches, nosebleeds, and an instance of vomiting, it's safe to say I was glad when Monday was over and my day off had finally arrived. I can't even tell you how much I appreciated those 24 hours away from camp...it felt like the storm had broken and the sun was shining through. Most of the stress I had been dealing with was from situations out of my control, or ones that weren't really my concern. It was nice to be in town, stay in a warm and comfy bed, eat at a DELISH Mexican restaurant, and find many great thrift store goodies, one of which is a pair of $6 cowgirl boots. SCORE. I came back to camp feeling refreshed and rejuvenated and I loved getting hugs and love from my girls when I returned. Tomorrow we're ALL going to town, which should be rather interesting. And then Monday is the famed 4th of July parade, so please send a prayer up for my spirit if you think of it. Think 100+ kids marching in a parade and doing a sweet dance in front of judges...oh, and btdubs, we've won for the past 10 years. As one of the counselors heading it up, you can see why I've been feeling a little/lot of pressure.

But through all of this-the many personalities, the "fudge waffles", and the billion other problems that arise each day, I am learning to trust God. And have PATIENCE. I'm finding that's quite a difficult thing to do...to truly trust God that he WILL take care of my every need and tell me the way I should go. I feel like I've thought that over/said that a million times these past few months, but it's so true. I have no other option, no other concrete plan but to hand my life completely over to Christ and say "Here. This is yours. Do what you want." Scary, huh? You bet. It's not my job to worry about the outcome or to listen to those around me who ask "So...what are you plans for the fall?" Do those people really need an answer? Not really. It'll come...slowly and surely.

For now, my job is still to love. To trust. To have patience.

Oh, and to take my gaggle of giggly 12 year old girls to Fuzziwig's Candy Store tomorrow.

I think I (and God) can handle that.