Redeemed.

Wow.

I can't really say much more than that at this moment, when my heart is COMPLETELY full, and I am just basking in God's goodness. Have you ever had a moment like that? When His love, grace, forgiveness, compassion and kindness is suddenly made so very real, and all you can do is sit back and say "WOW."

Last night, I took part in a moment like that.

I had the opportunity to pray over the one whom God has given to me, the one whom my heart has been waiting for, and God unleashed His perfect healing and perfect love in a very real, very tangible way. It was amazing, and beautiful and powerful and everything that our God is. It's not very easy to describe and I don't feel the need to the details of that intimate moment, but I can tell you that I have not experienced something like that in my whole life, much less with someone that I've dated.

You see, in the past, I haven't made the best choices when it comes to men. (For those of you who have been there with me, you can shout out a loud "AMEN!"). I feel like laughing, crying, and cringing all at the same time when I think over my dating history. There are definitely some ugly moments, some moments that I wish had never ever happened. There are times when I let my guard down and completely went to places far beyond where I ever wanted to go. By God's grace I still have my purity, though I am not without scars. I honestly cannot tell you why I made those stupid choices, and how I could possibly think I was following the Lord closely when some of my actions were so far from His Word.

By nature, I am a "fixer." If something is broken, I will try my very best to find a way to fix it, because I can see the potential in it. I love to believe the best about people, and for some reason I sometimes think that MY words and actions can change someone's thought pattern. Without fully realizing it, that is the mindset I had in many of my dating relationships. I overlooked major issues in order to be with someone that I "loved", and I misinterpreted their ungodly actions as love.I would plead and pray with God to change their hearts, but little did I know that on their end, they didn't really want their hearts to change. I mean, maybe they did, but I can only go off of the fruit I saw in their lives, which really wasn't much. I thought that I was being respected, but now that I'm looking back, I realize I wasn't, at ALL. Not that I was being beaten or abused in any way, but I feel as if I was taken advantage of. Yet I have to also point a finger of blame at myself, because I did nothing to stop it. If I didn't put up a fight, then things were ok, right?

No. Not at all.

I consider myself to be a strong, independent Northern woman, yet for some reason in dating situations I froze, and tried to be as giving and as accepting to my boyfriend at the time so that they would cherish me. Sometimes that meant comprising values I held dear, yet somehow I was able to justify my actions. And maybe by being so loving and giving, I could "save" that person. I hate to even write all of this, yet it's all true, and I feel as if the Lord is prompting me to share part of my story in order so that someone can be encouraged, someone can know that there is hope, grace, and forgiveness.

There is one instance that sticks out in my mind, the moment when I almost lost one of the most precious and sacred parts of myself. It was frightening, and SO so wrong. And as I reflected on that moment later, I began to feel completely ashamed, and it made me question the entire relationship. What had we built our relationship on? It certainly wasn't God...not in the least. I began to think over most of the times that he and I hung out, and I realized that I had never really walked away feeling encouraged or without some form of guilt. But he LOVED me, right? So did that make it all ok?

Nope.

That relationship eventually ended, and I tried to share with him my thoughts and feelings on that one moment, but he only tried to justify it and never really apologized. I couldn't believe it, but it only solidified the fact that we NEEDED to break up. I didn't cry very much honestly, because I knew how wrong our relationship was. Praise God that in his mercy, He allowed me to walk away and start afresh.

It wasn't until just a few weeks ago that I was able to forgive myself for the shame that I've been carrying, and to give it all to God. It was really hard, but I had to forgive that person who had wronged me, and then let it all go. This was all largely due to the beautiful relationship God has brought about in my life this past April. It has been nothing like I've ever experienced, and now I can say that I know what it means to be truly loved for who I am, and to be respected. My heart is being treasured and cared for, and I have NEVER walked away from spending a day with Ben with a feeling of shame or guilt. From the very beginning, my needs have been put above his, which is something I had to get used to.

But the most important and beautiful thing is how Ben's love and actions constantly point me to Jesus. There is NO way that he could love me like that on his own, but by God's grace and power, and with HIS love, Ben loves me without abandon, without a regard to my past. He is not perfect, and he would never ever say that he is, but he is perfect for me. When you truly let go and let God direct your path, He does exceedingly great things. He is continually teaching us about His grace, His redemption, His love, and His forgiveness.

As I prayed over my love last night, the Lord brought a phrase to my mind that I could not stop repeating:

You are forgiven. You are redeemed. You are free.

Over and over He spoke that to my heart, and I spoke it to Ben. It was NOT by my own power, but by the power of our God. His love and redemption were tangible and real and quite indescribable. I know to some, this may seem silly or weird, but it was real, and beautiful, and something that neither of us will ever forget. I truly cannot deny that it is Christ's power that is at work in my life, and I want everyone to know!

For those who have made mistakes, who maybe are realizing for the first time that they never fully committed their lives to Christ, who think they are too far from grace...you are not. Ben and I will both tell you that you are NEVER too far from the love of God to reach into your heart and change everything. You are not defined by your mistakes or anything that happened to your past. No matter what transpired, you can be free from any chains that are wrapped around your heart. The devil tries to come in and speak lies that you are unworthy, unforgiven, unloved, but he has NO power when it comes to the blood of Christ. All that God wants is the glory, and when we choose to bask in His love and forgiveness, He wipes away our tears and gets rid of everything that is holding us back from a deeper relationship with him. He frees our hearts and sets us in a "wide and spacious place." Sometimes, that process can be a little bit painful, but remember that in the end he will make it all okay. It is part of that refining process that is necessary to grow in your relationship with Him, and it pushes you to a place where are 100% sure that He is real, and that He loves you beyond measure. 1 Corinthians 12 speaks of God's grace in such a beautiful and poignant way.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

How beautiful and freeing is that? Paul goes on to write:

"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I have nothing to add to that. 

You are making all things new, and we are free.

A Deceitful Heart.

I think it's safe to say that over the past week, I've done a LOT of thinking.

As most thinking goes, it was spurned by an event. Not a significant event to most people, but one that is significant to me. The event was this:

I saw an ex with his new girlfriend after purposefully going out of my way to try and avoid them. 

 (dun dun DUNNNNNN).

It was obviously in the Lord's will for me to see them, and so I did. It was only for a brief moment, and I don't believe I was seen, but it was enough to influence my thoughts over this past week and it left me with no choice but to take a close, hard look into the depths of my heart (which can be a REALLY scary thing, let me tell you). And what I've found is that my heart is deceitful, wicked, and all too often desires the affection of men (or people) above the affection of God. That's the gross and real truth.  

 "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."

 Galatians 1:10

Um yes. That is me. A genuine, bonafide, people pleaser. Oftentimes I feel like the jobs I have require me to be that way, and I think I allow that mindset to carry over into my everyday interactions with friends and colleagues. I'm a DOer, meaning that I love to create and bake and give and I'm not going to lie, it's really satisfying to hear praise for my work. Or sometimes I get caught up in a "one-up" competition with someone, which generally goes something like this:

Person: "So this one time, I got my boyfriend a puppy for Christmas. He loved it so much!"

Me: "Oh that's cute...I got my boyfriend 2 puppies, a goldfish, and a pony, just for fun. He REALLY loved it!"

And then it just escalates from there.

That may be an extreme example, but you know what I'm talking about. And I think I do those things, because...well, I'm ashamed to say it, but because I doubt the love my Father has for me.

Why in the WORLD would I ever do that??

Oh, that's right, because Facebook is greater. Waiting on texts that never come is really important. Spending energy thinking about people who don't think about me is helpful. Pursuing unhealthy relationships is #1. Loving man first over loving God first is the best way to live.

When laid out like that, I feel pretty foolish. C'mon Danielle, let's use that "million dollar education" (as Mike Davis likes to say) and the brain God gave you to figure out that all of these things you're pursuing are NOTHING compared to pursuing the love and glory of God.

What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ.

Philippians 3:8

Because I like to be real, let's just delve into what "rubbish" means for a moment. In several sermons I've heard, coupled with my own research, "rubbish" means several things: offal, excrement, crap, just to name a few. Use your imagination to think of a few stronger terms, and there you have it. 

ANYTHING I pursue outside of Christ is, quite literally, a load of #$&%. 

(This just keeps getting more and more encouraging). 

When confronted with THAT knowledge, any sort of pride or joy I feel like I've experienced by pursuing the affection of man above the affection of God is completely destroyed, and I am left broken, guilty, and ashamed.

BUT  (and there's a big one here).

I don't have to stay that way. 

SIGH.OF.RELIEF. The thought of carrying around that guilt all day, everyday, without any reprieve, is terrifying. I would become a monster, and not even a cute, "Where the Wild Things Are" type of monster. But an ugly one and mean one, because I am full of sin, self, and all things terrible. Praise God I don't have to stay that way.

For me, this revelation of God's love and forgiveness has to happen daily, because I mess up every single day. Multiple times a day, when I look on Facebook and see that 20 more of my friends are now engaged, or when I happen to catch a glimpse of an ex, it is the hardest thing to try and not think negative, self serving thoughts like: 

What's wrong with me?

Why am I STILL single?

Will anyone EVERY love me?!

WHERE HAVE ALL OF THE GOOD GUYS GONE?!

All of those thoughts show a doubt in the ever present, never changing love of my Father. They are from the Liar, who only seeks to destroy my heart. Who wants the scars and the bruises that have accrued over the years to completely over take my heart and destroy it. Who finds joy and satisfaction when I pursue the things of this world above the things of my Healer, my Beloved, my Abba. And I find that those thoughts creep in when I'm not working on my relationship with my Father, which happens more often than I would like to admit.

As I listened to a sermon on loving God this morning by Shea Sumlin of The Village Church in Texas, all of these thoughts came to a head, and once again I was confronted by my utter lack of trust in God's love for me. Shea brought up the point that NO ONE can ever love God in the way He loves us, because we do not fully believe in his unshakeable love for us. We put his perfect love on the same plain as imperfect human love, and there is really no comparison between the two. I have been disappointed time and time again by human love, but never have I EVER been disappointed by the overwhelming love of the Father. If a human were to demand that we love him with all of our hearts, soul and mind as Christ does, that would be prideful and sinful. But because God has no sin, he CANNOT sin, he demands that love from us. 

He gave his Son for us.

He loves us with an everlasting love.

He forgives our sins.

He binds up our hearts and heals our wounds.

He never lets go.

He doesn't want to let go.

He is always the same.

He will not leave.

He gives us His Spirit.

He protects our heart-we don't have to guard our hearts with Him. We can love him fully and completely, and allow that love to spill over over everything. 

And those are just a few reasons why he deserves our love. Where does this sinner fit into that love? How can I receive it?

Well Danielle, believe in Him. Trust in His love. Know that He will take you back every time you fail.

This was illustrated in a beautiful way in the sermon I heard, and made me tear up just hearing it. Pastor Shea told a sermon of a modern day prodigal son, who took the inheritance his father promised him and blew all of it on temporary things that left him full of STDs, without friends, and at the end of his rope. He wanted to return to his father, to ask his forgiveness, but he couldn't bring himself to confront his father himself, so he sent one of his father's workers home with a note. The note asked his father's forgiveness, apologized for everything he had done, and acknowledged that he wasn't worthy of anything but working on the farm for his father. He asked his father to lay a white sheet over a fence if he was allowed to come home, signifying that his father forgave him. The train the son was riding was going to pass by this fence and if he saw the sheet, he knew he was forgiven and welcome by his father. As the train approached the farm, the son couldn't bring himself to look out the window, but he was told to come to the window as the farm came into full view. What he saw wasn't just a singular sheet over the fence, but as far as his eye could see, white sheets covered EVERYTHING. He wasn't just forgiven, he was FORGIVEN, and welcomed home with open arms.

A love like that should bring tears to our eyes, should bring us to our knees in repentance, should spurn us to serve and love God first, above all else. 

 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.

Matthew 22: 37-38 

It is a hefty command, one that I know I'm going to fail at today. And tomorrow. And the next day.

BUT (another big one).

I serve a God who will put out the white sheets for me and take me back time and time again.  A God who loves me in spite of myself.

If that isn't love, then I don't know what is. 

  

The life of a (Sexy) Spinster.

Oh, hello.

WARNING: This is very real, very unfiltered. Don't read any further if you feel like you can't handle that. 

This past week has been a week of many emotional events, including news of various relationships that have just thrown me for a loop and put me in a funk.

I also came to the jarring and bizarre realization that 3 guys I've dated are either married to or will be marrying girls with the same name. How crazy is that?! I'm really hoping that's some sort of record or something...I'll be writing Guiness soon. Maybe it's a sign from the Lord telling me I shouldn't date...ever. I really don't know what brought on that revelation, but as soon as I checked Facebook to confirm that it was true, all I could do was just laugh and laugh and laugh, straight from my gut. No one was home at the time, or one of my roomies would've thought I was going coo coo for cocoa puffs for SURE. But then as I continued laughing, I suddenly felt the urge to weep, much like the first time I watched "50 First Dates" and Rob Schneider told his kids to dive down to the bottom of the ocean to fetch his...man parts.

Thankfully, I didn't begin to cry. The laughter eventually stopped, and then all I could do was just sit there, feeling more unattractive and unwanted than I have in a long time. (Part of that might have to do with the fact that I was slouching, while wearing my dad's cuffed sweatpants from '83 and my hair all a mess. I hadn't even brushed my teeth yet). My bizarre realization stuck with me throughout the rest of the day and into the evening, when I had yet another thought:

I am a spinster.

This thought was just about as unpleasant as my early morning thought and so in order to ease my troubled mind, I had to do a little research as to what a spinster really is. According to Wikipedia: (college kids, ALWAYS cite Wiki as a source. Your profs will love it), a spinster is:

A spinster, or old maid, is an older, childless woman who has never been married.

(and)

For a woman to be identified as a spinster, age is critical. A "spinster" is not simply a "single" woman, but a woman who has not formed a human pair bond by the time she is approaching or has reached menopause and the end of her reproductive lifespan.

(Positive-I'm not approaching menopause. But wait, there's more...)

 "If someone is a spinster, by implication she is not eligible (to marry); she has had her chance, and been passed by," explains Robin Lakoff in Language and Woman's Place. "Hence, a girl of twenty cannot be properly called a spinster: she still has a chance to be married."

(Well, crap. I'm 23. And I've been passed by a few times. Definitely not getting any younger).

"In modern everyday English," the New Oxford American Dictionary says, "spinster cannot be used to mean simply ‘unmarried woman’; it is now always a derogatory term, referring or alluding to a stereotype of an older woman who is unmarried, childless, prissy, and repressed."

(Hm. Unmarried, childless and repressed=yes yes and sometimes. Greaaaat). 

"By the time of the 19th century, the term evolved to refer to women who were so finicky that they refused to marry. During that century "middle-class spinsters, as well as their married peers, took ideals of love and marriage very seriously, and ... spinsterhood was indeed often a consequence of their adherence to those ideals. ... They remained unmarried not because of individual shortcomings but because they didn't find the one 'who could be all things to the heart.'"

(Ohhh geesh. I feel like I'm a very picky person when it comes to relationships, but is it possible that I'm in the wrong for being TOO picky?? AHHH!)

Come to find out, none of that is very encouraging or lovely. Supposedly there's even a documentary that's been made called "Cat Ladies", which chronicles the life of several women who claim to be spinsters and who spend their whole lives devoted to their cats. No chance of that happening to me though, because the 2 cats I have tend to drive me up a wall and I mostly want to throw them out a window, not collect more of them and put their pictures on sweatshirts.

As I continued to process this, one last thought came to my head, and it is this:

Why can't I be a SEXY spinster?

No, I'm not talking "sexy" as in fishnets and back alleys, but simply as a strong, independent woman who loves to dress up occasionally and paint her toenails red. A woman who can bake, clean, and crochet a baby blanket or bikini when the occasions arise. A woman who doesn't spend her Saturday nights throwing back drinks at some trashy bar, but rather hones her sewing skills diligently, and now has several ruffled aprons to show for her efforts. This woman doesn't need a wedding gift registry to ask for such things as a KitchenAid mixer, bamboo spatulas or mixing bowls, but has acquired them out of her owns means and diligence. (Frankly, which one of your friends is going to drop the big bucks to get you a KitchenAid anyway?) 

I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I don't see my current, single position in life as something to be cried over or felt sorry for. Sure, it'd be nice to take a break from the sewing every once in awhile and maybe go out for a lovely dinner, but I'm not going to sit and twiddle my thumbs, waiting for it to happen. No, I'm going to be productive and learn new skills, or get better at my old ones. I'm going to daydream and plan and think and journal and play outside and wear twirly skirts and cowgirl boots. I'm going to redeem the term "spinster", and be more creative than ever. I'm currently working on my third apron (it's bright pink and precious) and I have plans to make my own Easter outfit! Ideas for cupcakes and cheesecakes continually run through my head, and I'm very thankful to have a place where I can sell my goods and create a client base. Speaking of selling goods, I just might take some of my cakes, cookies and healthy goods to local farmer's markets. Seriously, why not??

I feel as if this time I've spent dabbling with domesticity is going to serve me very well in the future. It's hard, but I try to keep believing that somewhere out there, maybe in the remotest corner of the earth, there is a man that has been specially designed for me, and he will love everything I have to offer. He will love my apron collection and my baked goods, and will enjoy taking long walks through the mountains with me. He won't mind going out for hot dates, but he'll also be content just to stay in and watch ESPN, while I craft lovely things in the next room. I think he'll even be a little creative, and will enjoy surprising me with sweet little things just to see me smile. He'll occasionally feed something I made him to the dog, and I might accidentally dye one of his favorite shirts in the wash. But it'll be ok, and we'll kiss and make up, because we were meant for each other and will love each other unconditionally. 

Sadly, that day hasn't arrived yet. 

Until then, I'm going to keep on keepin' on, doing the things I love the most and giving hugs and reassuring pats on the shoulder when I can. Spreading smiles and laughter and sunshine wherever I go. Judge me if you'd like, but I'm having LOTS of fun.

Spinster OUT.

Thoughts and more thoughts.

Well, it's been awhile.

Quite a lot has happened within these past few months that I hardly know where to begin...a quick recap may be in order, and I'll even try to make it chronological. (Many of you may know this information already so you can just scroll past this part).

1). I became single.

2). I got invited for a second interview and then a final interview for Teach For America, and found out November 8th that I was NOT chosen to be a teacher for this next school year.

(And now for some positives...)

3). I was blessed with a second job at my local YMCA, and I've really loved workin' on my fi'ness and meeting lots of new people. I've had some pretty odd experiences, most of them can only be recounted in person in order for the listener to get the full effect. I've learned that many people really like my bum.

4). I have a new best friend, and it is my beautiful Pistachio KitchenAid mixer. It is truly a thing of beauty and I use it multiple times a week (which is something I was afraid I wouldn't do when I got it).

5). I've been baking quite a lot these days. My boss buys cheesecakes from me every Friday to sell at the restaurant, and during this crazy Christmas season I've been baking lots of festive cookies-gingersnaps and sugar cookies and chocolate mint ones, to be exact! I pour lots of love into all that I bake, and the happiness I'm able to bring to people far outweighs any sort of monetary gain (which is just an added perk).

6). I've also been baking lots of healthy things, my most favorite thing being pumpkin chili. I'm telling you, it's MAGICAL.

7). I LOVE working at Baires, which, if you don't know, is a small restaurant in my hometown that is owned by a wild and wonderful Argentinian woman, who is becoming a close and dear friend, despite any language barriers we may have. She's so happy that I know a little bit of Spanish and with her help, I'm learning even more. We like to say "We don't make much money, but we have lots of fun!" So true. We laugh everyday, which is good for both of our spirits.

That's just a basic overview...there are so many more details and things that I couldn't possibly recount. Some of them I don't really want to recount...I'd rather just keep them as precious memories.

I honestly feel like I learn something new everyday, and it's not things that you can learn from any sort of school book. I've learned so much about pain, and what it means to feel empathy for someone who is hurting. Sure, there were many painful situations that happened while in college, but because of how busy I was, I don't think I ever really made time to truly reflect and think about those things. I know that I cared, but maybe not to the extent that I could've because all of my problems and issues were constantly on my mind's forefront. Now that I'm out of school, and LIFE has stepped into its place, I can do that. Sometimes I find myself crying about situations out of my control, and all I can do is pray that Jesus would remove the pain from those who need it, because I am powerless to do anything. Feeling that pain for someone reminds me that yes, I do still have a heart, even after the blows it's taken. Crazy.

Which leads me to another point...I'm learning how human and futile I really am. How silly of me to think that I could try and step into the driver's seat and expect that I wouldn't encounter a single speed bump. Wow. How wrong I was. I'm learning to sit on the passenger's side, and let me tell you, it's REAL scary sometimes. During the summer, I felt like I had a few things figured out, but as I came home from Colorado, semi-jobless, and then later as my relationship ended, and then even later when I didn't get the TFA job, there was nothing left for me to do but throw my hands up in the air and say "Ok God, what in the WORLD are you doing? I have no clue, but I'm going to make an attempt to follow your voice amidst this chaos."

Somehow, for reasons I don't understand, that approach works.

Why do I have SO much joy at 6am when I go in to the Y to work the early shift and then have to rush to work at Baires afterwards? Why do I love telling people about the daily soups and specials and delivering them their food? How can I be friends with someone whom I have trouble understanding half of the time? Why does making oatmeal on the stove top make so happy??

I don't know.

None of that makes any sense outside of my relationship with Christ. He's been my rock, my heartbeat, my true light. If I hadn't been following HIS voice, I could be doing any number of things which those around me want me to do. There have been several instances of people telling me what I SHOULD be doing, as if they've received a word from the Lord himself. And I'm sure they mean well and you know what, maybe they have received a word that I have not. But somehow, I just don't think so. I am fully aware that I'm not holding jobs that I'd like to make my career for the next 30 years, yet for now, for this season of life, they are enough. I am doing what I need to be doing. I'd like to think that I am being used in the lives of those around me to just pour out love over and over. That's basically what I do for a living...love and serve. Truly listen to people who just need to talk, whether it be someone at the Y who has various health problems or maybe an older person who lives alone and comes into Baires for a little human interaction. Mi familia, as I like to say, has grown a hundred fold and it's not stopping anytime soon! I am now a member of the wildest, craziest, yet most loving families I could've ever hoped to be a part of, and I love my role as sister/daughter/amiga/ and sometimes, mother. It's a beautiful thing.

Living with my parents (or "roommates" as I've taken to calling them) is also not something I'd like to be doing for the next 30 years, yet for right now, for this season, it's what I need to be doing. We have a great relationship, and I have more financial freedom than ever before. Not that I'm out blowing my money, but I'm actually taking the time to manage it like a real adult, and I've seen so many blessings come out of that. It's not easy, but I'm learning. I have a great relationship with my parents, and I know I'm going to look back on this time someday and be so grateful for their patience and open hearts. To say that they're wonderful people is a huge understatement.

I feel like I have so much more to say...things about where my heart is, what I'd like to be doing, the crazy encounters that happen almost daily, and possibly about the foods and things I've been baking as of late. This post is already long enough though. But please, if you read this, know that I am doing fine...more than fine, really. This path isn't for everyone, but that's why I'm the one on it, and I'm only on it by the grace of my Father. Yes, sometimes I feel a little lonely and just recently my heart has skipped a beat, but not in a magical "I'm in LOVE!" way, but rather in the opposite way, more like "Oh, it looks like you've moved on." Not to say that I haven't but sometimes you just really don't expect or want the other person to find someone before you do. Not that it's a race...but, well if you've ever loved someone and lost it, you know what I mean. I'm continuing my research into what it means to truly love someone, and Tim Keller's book "The Meaning of Marriage" is really providing some great insight, even for a single lady like me. I recommend it highly.

This is about enough for tonight, but in this new year I will TRY to resolve to post more, and always keep it honest and real.

I hope this Christmas brings so much peace, joy and love to your heart. Take time to love and enjoy life's little moments. Meet a new friend. Skip. Carthweel. Do something you haven't done for awhile.

Life is too beautiful not to be lived, and to be lived fully.


-xoxo

(re)Purpose.

And the lines have all been drawn, and I know where I belong, where I belong. And I think I like how the day sounds through this new song.

Greg Laswell has been singing the words in my spirit as of late. Along with "Comes and Goes", my playlist includes any/all Mumford and Sons, Adele, and Bon Iver. Who am I kidding-that's been my playlist for this entire summer. Amidst all of the shifting and changing that's been going on lately, several songs have been on repeat; you can also add Mumford's "After the Storm" to that list. You can say these past few days have been tough on the ol' ticker. As the days pass, there are constant reminders to what I used to have, and there's a certain emptiness I feel because my life is no longer interwoven with someone else's. It's very odd. There are times when I'll be driving, and a song will come on the radio that hits me at just the right moment, and all of a sudden I'm vulnerable, my wound is exposed, and I'm crying. Sometimes it's not a song, but simply the beauty of a fall evening (which I haven't seen for at least 4 years), and the way the setting suns sparkles in the trees while simultaneously whipping my hair back and forth just makes me think, "This would surely be nice to share with someone." I'm sure that these aren't the only moments I'll have in the coming days, weeks, months.

But through all of the pain, sadness, and letting go, one thing has remained perfectly clear:

I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Yep. That is QUITE clear. Since I got home from my whirlwind North Carolina/Mississippi/Louisiana adventure, it's been non-stop blessings. Firstly, my job at Baires' has been amazing. I feel like I make new friends everyday, and I love having a small part in making someone's day, whether that be by serving them yummy food, or just giving them a smile. There's a lot of older couples that frequent the restaurant, and I feel like I've gained several sets of grandparents, two of my favorite being "Gregorio" (Gregory) and Janice. These two are just TOO precious. Every time they walk in, they get a boisterous greeting from Marcela, which includes (but is not limited to) a "GREGORIOOOOOOO" and hugs and kisses all around. I love watching the exchange, and I love talking to them about everything from theatre to cats and the gentle way that Gregorio takes care of Janice is beautiful to watch. I want a Gregorio. 


Secondly, after beginning the application process for Teach for America at the end of August/early September, and waiting and waiting and oh yes, waiting, I am SO happy to be blessed with the chance to have an in person interview on the 19th of this month! Yahoo! To get to this point, I had to fill out a very extensive application, then wait to hear if I was granted an over-the-phone interview, and then after that interview, I had to wait a bit more to see if I was granted an in-person interview. Now I'm in the midst of filling out more extensive forms online before the 19th, and praying that my transcript gets here before the 14th, which is when all of my forms are due. I'm not even in college anymore and my life is STILL full of deadlines-will it ever end?? (Silly question, Danielle). I also have to prepare a 5 minute lesson to present to my fellow interviees and the interviewers, and right now I'm at a bit of a loss. Hopefully God will bring something fun, awesome, and highly educational to my mind in these next few days...


And then there's the YMCA. On the same day I found out about my TFA interview, I got a call from the Y saying that I am in fact hired part time to work in the Wellness Center-another YAHOO! This was also 2 weeks of waiting and wondering what I did wrong in my interview and re-evaluating everything in my head, which was silly and all for naught. I think I need to learn on trusting God more.


These are just a few of the amazing things God has been doing up here in Central Ohio. Did I ever think this is the path I would be placed on-to be living with my parents, working two jobs, while applying to be a teacher in Oklahoma? And where does theatre fit into all of this??


No. And I don't know.


But is this where I am called to be?

YES. 100 and 10 times YES.

More exciting things to come...I can just feel it. 

:)

The Home Life.

Even though this is bad quality, this is me at the end of my first 5K!

Since I got home from my trip to Mississippi, it's literally been a "hit the ground running" type of situation. I came home in time to be present for the Marion Popcorn Festival, a local "treat" that's put our small town on the map. (Food Network came and filmed a little feature on it several years ago...holllllah). I can't say I like to frequent this event, as sugar coated and cute that the Food Network made it sound. When I was a child, I had to ride on the float for my dance studio every year since the early 90s, while strange men and children whooped and hollered from the sidelines and called out "Let's see ya do a little dance!" Nor when I actually went to the festival can I say I came away with good memories. This may sound like an exaggeration, but one night I remember walking around, and seeing a young goth couple. The girl had a leash, which was chained to her boyfriend's (?) spiked collar, while carrying a baby doll that looked like a cross between the doll that Syd from "Toy Story" reinvented and Chucky. YIKES. The fair food, amount of sketchy people, and the occasional fight between youngsters are also factors that make me want to stay in the comfort and safety of my home.

But this year was a little different. I found out Grace Potter and the Nocturnals was going to be there, and since I missed their free concert in Steamboat this past summer, I felt like their presence in my life a second time was a sign I needed to go. And once again, it was free, so how could I turn that down? My lovely friend Lindsay went with me, and let me tell you what, it.was.AMAZING. I am now a Grace Potter fan. She is a completely fierce being, and totally channels the vibes of the female rockers of the 60s and 70s, a la Janis Joplin. I managed to get some pretty cool pictures, though a lot of them were blurry because she was literally jumping, dancing and head banging the entire time. Here's a favorite of mine.

Blurry, but undeniably fierce.

The next morning, I went back downtown to run my first 5K, and I LOVED it. I think I'm going to keep training and running in races all around Ohio. The tough part is, most of them are $20+, and although I'm all about supporting a good cause, I know my budget won't allow for too many races in a month. One race in particular that I'm interested in is part of the Wellness In The Woods series. All of the races in that series take place at various metro parks around Columbus, and the money goes to benefit the upkeep of those parks. I'm not going to lie, part of the draw for running is getting an organic cotton eco-friendly t-shirt. Who wouldn't want one of those?? The goal for my next race is to run it in exactly 30 minutes, but I know I'm going to have to be more consistent with running in order to achieve that goal. I started off this week pretty great, but a few physical issues and busy days have stalled my progress. Oh, and making up excuses has also slowed me down a bit. Note to self: MUST work on standing up to myself next week.

The Homestead at Christmastide.

So here's the burning question on everyone's mind: What is life REALLY like at home? Well, honestly it's kinda weird. Not weird in a bad way...it's just different. I'm no longer a high school student, or any kind of student at all, so there's no pressure of school or wearing uniforms or any of the silliness that goes along with high school. A lot of people who first found out I was moving back in with good ol' Mike and Jen laughed a little, and made some sort of comment like "Uh-oh, how's THAT going to work out?" So far, it really hasn't been that bad at all-it's actually been a really positive and fun experience. Although I have enjoyed living in other states the past several years, there's something about being home and being in your own room with familiar surroundings that just can't be replaced, no matter how far you roam. (Commence writing sappy Country song NOW). There's also something about not living out of a suitcase that's really priceless too. I don't see my time at home as one big sigh, or a step in the wrong direction, but instead this will be a time to reconnect with my parents, try to give back to them in some small way, grow in my faith, and saving money. Lots of money. Another exciting thing is that I actually get to experience this year is FALL -yippee skippee! It's quite easily my favorite season. I've missed it very much.

One way that I've really enjoyed "giving back" is through cooking and baking. I have missed our 1930s gas stove like you wouldn't believe. It's like an old friend; I know its quirks and oddities, it's slightly dangerous, yet I love it all the same. It feels wonderful to don an apron and bake new and lovely smelling things. With fall right around the corner (and a bushel of apples I picked just waiting for me in my basement), breads, desserts and my first batch of applesauce are calling out to me to make them. I LOVE to substitute healthy things for unhealthy things in recipes, so I hope to be putting some of the items I've baked on here soon. If you were to join me in my kitchen tonight, you'd find this Chunky Vegan Sweet Potato Bread with Rosemary being baked, a bevy of apples being dried in order to make Apple Chips, and my own version of Glazed Apple Cookies just a bakin' in my oven. (Yes, it will smell very good and much like fall). Some mixture of Mumford and Sons, Adele, and Bon Iver will be playing and possibly tea will be brewing. Join me.

All of that to say, life is good. Beautiful even. Today's temperatures are a sign of cooler days to come, and a drive in the country early this morning really put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. I know moving home isn't for everyone, and some people might think I'm lying when I say I'm really enjoying it and that I love waitressing at a local restaurant. I've promised to write blog posts about life lessons that I'm learning, but in an effort to stop this novel I've started writing, I'll make my first lesson brief and sorry guys, it's targeted towards the ladies.

It is this: No matter how many language barriers stand between you and your boss (mine happens to be a fiery Argentinian woman), feminine issues are always understood with very few words being used. And for that, I am extremely grateful.

Hips wide, organs spread out.

Those are the (paraphrased) wise words of my mother, said in response to the brief time in my life where I wanted to be a truck driver. After putting in nearly 50 hours in the car these past few weeks, I can easily see how this can happen. My lower half feels pretty flabby, to say the least. And I feel like I'm going to develop some pretty serious varicose veins at any second. Cute, huh? Yeah. Needless to say, I'm VERY glad to be back on solid ground once again, and don't have any long road trips planned for the near future.

To try and sum up these past few weeks might take me awhile. I feel like I haven't stopped moving since I landed in Columbus on August 7th, after spending 2 months away at camp. I got home on a Sunday (technically Monday morning at 2am), and went right to work at Baires Deli, a local Argentinian restaurant at 11am that same day. (I hope to start blogging about my experiences there...it's been a pretty great place so far and I already have stories to share). I spent that next week learning how to be a waitress, with a lot of help from my boss, Marcela, Jeff, another cook, and Kelly, who does a variety of things around the restaurant. Thankfully I didn't have too many slip ups, and all of the customers were very patient with me. I then left for a 5 day vacation to North Carolina with my mom, and had a great time bummin' around the mountains with her. We haven't gotten to do a "girls only" trip for a few years, and it was nice to watch movies, talk about life, and generally just relax. I was only home for 3 days before I left for a 2 week trip down South, which I like to call the " 'Sip Trip." After almost 4 months of not seeing Daniel, you could say we were both REALLY ready to spend time with one another again. I also loved spending time with my former roombug, Marie. It's SO good to be with a kindred spirit and laugh and talk like I never even left. (Pictures to come regarding the special house warming gift I made for her new apartment).

I went on many adventures during my 2 weeks, and at ate a few places that I'd never been to before, such as Basil's and Cherokee Inn. YUM. You would think that after 4 years of living in the chunkiest state in the union that I'd appreciate some good ol' fashioned fried food, but I just really don't, so Cherokee Inn just wasn't my style. But I really appreciated the small town feel the restaurant had and how the owner takes orders and mingles with the guests. I think my brother would REALLY enjoy such a place.

When it was all said and done, I stayed at 6 different houses during my stay, and even slept on a couch one night. This morning I left Louisville at the early hour of 5:30am, after spending the night with a lovely friend, and FINALLY completed my journey, getting home a little after 10am. I can't tell you how good it felt to turn into my driveway. You know what else is going to feel good? Sleeping in my OWN bed tonight. Not that I didn't appreciate the kindness of my loved ones in MS for putting up with me for several days on end, but there's just something about your own sheets, the smell of your room, and your own lamp on your night stand. I can't explain it properly, but I think you know what I mean.

Now that I'm home and have access to the internet more consistently, I vow to update this blog as much as possible with my creative endeavors, in both the cooking and crafting arenas, "Things That Waitressing Is Teaching Me", what returning home after 4 years away feels like, thoughts on my future (as God brings them before me), and a variety of other fun things. One of which may be a video of me singing an original song, inspired by all of the songs about clubbin' that seem to be floating around these days (i.e. Katy Perry's "Friday Night" and pretty much anything written by Ke$sha). There are similar themes throughout these tunes, and I had TONS of time to think about lyrics and song ideas on my drive home. Stay tuned. :)

In closing, here are just a few of my small "goals" that I hope to accomplish during this season of my life, as I try to find peace and joy living with my parents and returning to a town that I often make fun of. Goals are as follows (and will probably change frequently):

-Remember to take my reusable shopping bags with me to the store. I ALWAYS forget, which led to a very awkward and frustrating experience at Save A Lot the other day.

- Store leftovers in glass containers instead of tupperware. We've had ours before the "BPA free" days, so I'm sure they're teeming with germs and other unhealthy things.

-Finish my MANY crafty projects. This will be done. I'm already speaking it.

-Repurpose/build my own craft table for my room. This will de-clutter my tiny space GREATLY, plus give me an area to learn to sew.

-Clean our attic. With our without my parents' permission...we've got a buttload of junk of there. They'll thank me later.

-Try a new recipe a week. My mom will learn to appreciate my style of healthy cooking someday...

-Blog. Duh. Hopefully make my posts more focused and interesting and not just write 50 posts about the same thing.

And maybe the most urgent...

-Finish applying for Teach for America. It's been quite the process thus far, and from what I hear, this is only the tip of the iceberg. It's quite scary to trust that God will put me in the right place for the next 2 years, but I'm learning. He's working on my heart daily.

This is all for now. With how long my posts are, another one of my goals should be to finish writing a play I've started. We'll see. For now, have a lovely evening, and I hope you return to read more soon.

Rosie, my travel companion.