The Story of Grace (part 1)

The last photo of G in my belly taken on Tuesday, May 23rd.

Everyone will tell you to make a birth plan, but to also be prepared for it to change.

Like so many others, that was how our story played out.

 It's a story of pain, fear, joy, strength, grace and Grace, and I'm going to attempt to tell it in a fairly concise way, including as many details as I can. (This may be a good time to stop reading if birth stories aren't your thing--no hard feelings!) As much as I want to share it with everyone and put another positive birth story out into the world, this is also largely for myself. I want to be able to recount Grace's story to her someday and let her know that although it was a long and hard journey, it was ALL worth it to finally have her safe in my arms.

Quick side note: Since around 23-24 weeks of my pregnancy, Ben and I decided we wanted to have a home water birth. How we came to that decision is another blog post entirely, which I plan on sharing another time. We felt really comfortable with our decision because  my pregnancy was low risk and healthy. The bond we formed with our midwives (MWs) was absolutely invaluable, and this was honestly the best decision we could have made, despite not having the home birth we'd been dreaming of. (More on that later, promise!)

Friday, May 19th--The Due Date
I was both proud and anxious to have made it to 40 weeks. Proud, because some women never get to reach that milestone and anxious, because I knew baby would be coming soon. It may be 2 days or 2 weeks but it wouldn't be long.

I had an OB appointment that day (we still continued to see the OB along with our MWs) and Rachel came with me, because Ben was working. The doc said things looked really great...I was 2-3cm dilated and somewhere between 50%-70% effaced. Baby's head was nice and low, and my doc was fully confident I'd have her within the next couple of days. Yahoo! I tried not to get overly excited, because you can be at 2-3cm for quite awhile without much happening. I was super blessed to have an OB who was on board with our home birth plans and who was so positive that things were going to go smoothly. He didn't strip my membranes, but did a little something that he said would help things along, though I'm not sure what it was. All I know is, it was NOT comfortable.

After that, Lindsay happened to be in town so she, Rachel and I walked around a bit. I was hoping that miraculously contractions would start, but really I just experienced more Braxton Hicks (BHs) contractions, which really just feel like a tightening in your lower abdomen, similar to period cramps. They aren't timeable, and honestly just annoying. Nothing too exciting happened until...

Sunday, May 21st
I finally felt my first real contractions, yahoo! As a first time mom, everything is so new and strange and you're feeling things in your body that you've never felt before. It's really hard to gauge what you're actually feeling...I kept questioning if I was having real contractions but after checking in with my midwife, I knew that I was. (One of the many perks of having midwives is being able to text them with questions and concerns...God bless Lauren and Becky for listening to my MANY questions!)

I knew that these were different because I could time them. Things would get very tight in my abdomen for 30-60 seconds (sometimes longer), and then release. I can't tell you how many times I Googled "what do real contractions feel like?"!

I dowloaded the Contraction timer app to keep track of them, and that was extremely helpful. I also started practicing my breathing and focusing with each contraction.

Monday, May 22nd
The day when even more fun began...also known as the day my water started leaking!

Somewhere around 5-6pm, Ben and I decided to go to Meijer to walk around, which basically consisted of Ben walking and me hobbling a few steps behind, having to pause every so often whenever I'd have a contraction. All of those people who say they "walked their baby out" have my complete respect, because I could barely put one step in front of the other. Grace was sitting so low, and with every step there were shooting pains in my downstairs region, aka known as "lightning crotch" (haha, pregnancy is SUPER glamorous, btw). Eventually I just couldn't walk around any longer, so I drove the truck home. (Don't worry about Ben...we live about 2 steps away from Meijer). After going to the bathroom, I stood up and to my delight, a small spurt of water came out! You're right, this could have been more urine, seeing as how I peed about 3094 times a day, but this was definitely different. I told Ben when he came home, and we were definitely thinking that TONIGHT COULD BE THE NIGHT! After so much waiting, we were as ready as ready could be.

But....

Grace decided to stay put for three.more.days.

Tuesday, May 23rd--Thursday May 25th
These days were not the most fun of my pregnancy, if I'm being completely honest.(Read: they sucked. Big time). Contractions would ramp up at night from 10pm-3am, and every time I had to roll over or go to the bathroom or move at all, Ben would have to help. I kept thinking "This is it! They're getting stronger!" only to have them slow down and peter out. During the day all I could do was nap and lay around, because I'd be so exhausted from the night before. I didn't feel like eating much, so peanut butter and apples were often the name of the game. I'd have contractions on and off during the day as well. This was most definitely the toughest part of pregnancy for me. In every way possible, both Ben and I were completely exhausted.

 I didn't want to admit it, but I could see my home birth dreams slowly slipping away with each passing day. That was really hard to stomach...we'd done months of research and careful planning, and had been so excited to give birth on our terms, intervention free and with our MWs by our side. I'd been eating well, drinking lots of water, and stayed very active until about 39 weeks. Zero complications throughout my pregnancy...by all accounts a very healthy and normal pregnancy. We'd had our birth kit for weeks and the pool set up in Grace's room since my 36th week of pregnancy. So why weren't things going the way I planned?

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9

On Wednesday Lauren and  Becky came over to check me, and at that point I was 6cm, 100% effaced and I believe the head was around -1 or 0. We were all encouraged by that! My MWs gave me a couple of more things I could do to try and get those contractions started, and I tried them over the next two days. Black and blue cohosh, nipple stimulation, bouncing on that darn ball, walking up and down stairs, taking all sorts of supplements...I tried so many things, y'all. Baby girl was still content to make mama uncomfortable every night from 10pm-3am, but nothing more than that. I'd also lost my mucus plug and had my bloody show during this time and according to Dr. Google, baby should've made an appearance soon after those things. Not for me. Turns out Grace was shaping up to be just as stubborn as her daddy (or mommy, if you ask Ben).

During this time I continued to watch for meconium and take my temperature, as per my MWs directions, and had no signs of infection*. A welcome silver lining in what was turning out to be a completely different cloud than what I had been dreaming of for months.

*OBs following the American Obstetrics guidelines will want you to have your baby 12-24 hours after your waters break, but MWs follow the Canadian guidelines which allow 72 hours. Your outer bag of water can actually seal itself back up and so during this time I was drinking a ton of water to help keep my fluid levels high.

Thursday, May 25th
This was the day we (Ben and I, our families, Lauren and Becky) decided that Plan B was inevitable. Unless Grace was going to make a move that day or night, we made the choice to call the OB in the morning and ultimately have her at the hospital.

As to be expected when things don't play out as you'd hoped, there were tears. Lots of them. There were questions. There was anger. WHY did my pregnancy go so well, only to have this be the outcome?? What was the point of all of that if we weren't going to have the birth we'd been hoping for? In my mind I could see all of those beautiful home birth photos I'd been looking at for months on Pinterest, and realizing that would not be my reality. I wouldn't have photos like those. I wouldn't be able to write a blog post about my home birth experience. I wouldn't get to say "I did it! You can too!" to other first time mamas who might be considering birthing at home. I wouldn't get any of that. That was a tough pill to swallow...really tough.

I know how stressed our families were that entire week, so I'm sure that this decision to go into the hospital was a big relief to them. As much as I'm a people pleaser and felt good that they could rest easy, I'm also very strong willed and determined, and once I have an idea in my head it won't get out until it's realized. BUT at the same time, I knew that Grace had to come out, and everyone wanted her and I to be safe and healthy. I wanted that too of course but still...dreams don't die easily. 

I don't know what I would've done had I not been able to text Lauren and Becky during this time. This is one of the many, many things I love about midwifery care. You aren't just a number or a patient filling a bed, you're a friend and someone who deserves to be listened to. They encouraged me to mourn and recognize my feelings about our birth plan changing, while simultaneously encouraging me to surrender to the plan the Lord had for us. SURRENDER. What a beautiful and difficult thing to do.

I also don't know what I would've done without Ben by my side. He was there for each contraction and was just as exhausted as I was. He's often my voice of reason, and once we finally decided we'd be going into the hospital and this would all be ending soon, he was able to help me realize that his was the best choice for baby and I. He was nervous and anxious right along with me and constantly assured me that we were making the right choice and that everything would be okay.

I cried as I packed my hospital bag and hastily turned to Pinterest to see what I should pack. We also had to quickly write out our birth plan, which Lauren helped us fine tune. (Note: no matter where you choose to give birth or what your plan is, WRITE OUT A BIRTH PLAN WELL IN ADVANCE. Lesson learned). Coupled with the sadness I felt, I also felt relief and joy that we would FINALLY be meeting our Gracie girl sometime on the 26th. The longest week ever was about to end in the sweetest joy we'd ever known.

(CONTINUED in part 2!)