The Story of Grace (part 2)

(CONTINUED from part 1)

Friday, May 26th
The day we would FINALLY meet our Gracie girl! The details are a little fuzzy, but I'll try to recall them as best as I can but just warning you now, they're going to be a bit all over the place.

I called my OB around 8am that morning and told the C(ertified) N(urse) M(idwife) (Dr. Deb) what was going on. She agreed with our decision to come to the hospital, and asked that we come as soon as we could. We told our family and friends, and Lauren followed us there, with Becky to meet us later. (I cannot tell you how glad I was that our homebirth MWs would be there...it meant the world to both Ben and I).

I ate some oatmeal, knowing it would be the last thing I would have for awhile, and then showered and changed into a maxi dress and flip flops. Ben and I gathered the bags and I tearfully said goodbye to Harley, knowing that all of our worlds were going to change very soon. It may be silly to be concerned about a dog, but Harley is the first doggy I've every owned and has been our world for the past few years. I wasn't sure how she'd react to Grace, and it just had me in a bundle of emotions. Thankfully we had installed the car seat base in my car just in case, so all we had to do was load up the car seat and our hospital bag and go.

We got to the hospital around 8:30-8:45 and walked in with Lauren and our families, everyone both nervous and excited. The day was cloudy and the walk from the car to the front doors was one of the most surreal moments of my life. The entire week had been a rollercoaster ride and yet here I was, due date certain, only hours away from meeting Grace.

We checked in and were blessed with an amazing nurse, whose name I wish I could recall. All of our nurses (except for 1 we barely saw) were great. Only after checking in did we realize we'd forgotten the birth plan at home, but thankfully Lauren was there and looked it up in her email and wrote it all out again. We discussed everything with our nurse, who took everything in stride and never once made us feel bad or weird for trying for a homebirth. Neither did she make us feel like failures for having to forgo our plan and come to the hospital. At some point I was hooked up to the IV and was also administered Penicillin, due to my waters leaking. Dr. Deb came in and chatted with us as well. She knew how badly I had wanted a homebirth and she assured me they'd do everything they could to honor our wishes. She looked over our birth plan and said that they automatically do almost everything on our list already, which really reassured my worried heart. She checked me and I was 7cm! In my head (and probably out loud) I was thinking "Come ON girl! You were so close! Couldn't you have come exactly as mommy wanted??" Silly mama, don't you know by now your girl does exactly what she wants?

Deb was also was quick to encourage me by telling me how much work my body had been doing, and that it wasn't in vain. She was very careful to say this wasn't an induction, but rather an augmentation. Pitocin was needed to give my body a jump start and to hopefully establish the contractions. At this point I was still "with it" for the most part, and just looking forward to meeting Grace. And just ready to be DONE. Being faced with the most difficult thing I'd ever go through physically was a REALLY bizarre thing, and it's not like I could've walked out of the hospital saying "Nevermind everybody! I've decided not to have a baby after all!" Nope, the only way to have a baby is to...well, have a baby! You have to go through it somehow and I resolved that I would be open to whatever way Grace decided to come.

Pitocin was started around 10:30 at a fairly low doseage and I think it was turned up about every hour throughout the day. I hear a lot of terrible things about Pitocin and induction but for me, it really wasn't horrible. I'd been having some pretty tough contractions all week, so this really felt like more of the same. The contractions weren't right on top of one another either...I did have time to breathe. Not to say that they weren't painful, but I breathed through each one, with Ben holding my hand and whispering in my ear. Lauren or Becky would do the "clothespin move" on my hips as I contracted, and/or pressure points on my calf.

A few of the things that really helped me were to think "I can do ANYTHING for one minute", and to visualize my happy place. The image that popped into my head over and over was from our vacation to Michigan the summer before. We were told about this beach that the locals go to, and so we had to go and see it for ourselves. You have to hike up a LOT of sand covered stairs to get to a landing, and once you're there, you're greeted with a breath taking image of Lake Michigan. I thought of climbing up those stairs and how hard that was, and also how rewarding that view at the top was. I also tried to picture my contractions as waves, because waves have a certain end, just like contractions do. I pictured Jesus there beside me, holding my hand. An affirmation I had written down months prior was this verse from isaiah (deep waters) In those painful moments, He was there. Each contraction was bringing me closer to this life He had created inside of me. It was reassuring to think that as each contraction passed it was one I wouldn't have to go through again.

There were only a few times where Ben went out to eat or talk to our parents for a moment but other than that, he was right there beside me. He would tell me how he proud he was of me, how strong I was, and that everything was okay. Going through the birth process as a couple allows you to see one another in a completely new and different light, and I am SO proud of the strength he showed. He loves me so deeply and so well, and I got to see the strength in him that one day, our little girl will appreciate so much. I remember constantly asking him if he was okay, and if Harley was okay and if someone was letting her out.

Everyone would tell me how well I was doing during each contraction and the point came where all I could do was nod or give a thumbs up. At some point I got hot and stripped down to only my bra. I even had to tell Ben I needed a little bit of space at one point because I was burning UP. I didn't throw up but felt queasy, and as soon as I mentioned that Ben ran to get a trash can. Lauren handed us one of those hospital barf bags instead...we had a good chuckle over that. There was also a point in here where I got a couple of popsicles. Normally I LOVE popsicles but I couldn't even finish one. I drank water as often as I could, but really nothing sounded good at that point.

As Grace moved further down, the pain in my lower back and hips became more intense. I didn't do as much walking around as I thought I would, but instead sat in the rocking chair, or sat up in bed holding the bar they attached to the front of it. One thing that sticks out in my mind is a song from my birthing playlist, which Ben had playing during all of this. It was "Psalm 91 (On Eagles' Wings)" by Shane and Shane. These words stuck in my mind as I labored:

And He will raise you up on eagles wings Bear you on the breath of dawn Make you to shine like the sun And hold you in the palm of His hand

Contractions continued all day, and at one point I was around 9.5cm, with just a bit of the cervix still in the way. Around 5:30 I was given the go ahead to push when I felt ready, which was honestly really hard to gauge at first. I pushed without really knowing what I was doing (and probably before I was fully ready), and I remember Dr. Deb, Lauren and Becky all encouraging me to get mad and push with all of my might. With each push I vocalized louder and louder...all of that theatrical and vocal training REALLY started to come in handy! Ben was right there with each push, his head against mine, holding my hand telling me I was doing great and how strong I was. I don't know if I fully believed him, but I couldn't have done it without him there. I was also asked at a certain point if I wanted a mirror. Everyone has their own thoughts on this, but for me it was a big no. I think that seeing what was happening to my body would've been a little traumatizing and I was trying my best to focus and stay "in the zone." With each push I'd cling to the railing beside me and close my eyes...I clung so hard that my left arm hurt for days afterwards!

 I tried pushing on hands and knees, but was told baby's heart rate dropped so I went back to pushing on my left side. They also had me on oxygen, which was one of many first time experiences for me. I'd push during each contraction and afterwards they'd all say "Great job Danielle! She's coming!" and all I could do was respond with a weak "Okay..." I think I was still asking how Ben was doing and if Harley was okay! While I rested between contractions, Dr. Deb held a warm compress to my lady parts, which was great. It was one of those little things I had wanted to happen had we birthed at home, and I was so happy Lauren and Becky asked Dr. Deb about it. Deb was also able to see how much dark hair Grace had, which was such a surprise to me (and it helped me to keep going). I had had heartburn in the last trimester but didn't quite believe that'd mean she'd have hair. In our case, it was certainly true!

Let me just say, pushing is a VERY strange sensation. It feels good to do something with each contraction, but it is painful and when baby gets really low and about ready to crown, your body just really takes over. You just can't stop pushing, even if you tried! And it's true what they say--it really is like taking the biggest poop of your life. (TMI? Maybe? I think we're already well past that point by now haha) I found this out later, but at one point the L&D doors swung open during a particularly vocal push (i.e. me yelling "OHHHHHH GODDDDDDDDDDDDD") and apparently my in laws heard it and about lost their lunch! They thought for SURE something was going wrong...nope, just me discovering my inner lioness! I also remember cursing a few times and apologizing, and the nurses telling me "Oh don't even worry about it, we've heard MUCH worse!" Oh the things you do/say/show to the world while giving birth...

The room got busier and busier the closer Grace got to crowning, which gave me the energy to make it through those final pushes. It also happened to be time for a shift exchange, though our sweet nurse who had been with us all day stuck around to see Miss G. At 7pm on the dot after one massive, final push (YES the ring of fire is real), sweet Grace Elizabeth joined us earthside and it's a moment I will never ever forget as long as I live. Her cord wasn't long enough for her to be placed on my chest, but as she lay on my belly crying, both Ben and I and our midwives wept with joy. I remember saying "She's finally here! We've waited so long for her!" and seeing Ben and Lauren crying and smiling. Grace was so slippery, just like a little eel. I couldn't wait to see her sweet face! It's hard to remember the exact moment I held her for the first time...things were so chaotic! I remember staring at her in disbelief--did she REALLY just come out of me?? Was she really here after all of those months of trying and waiting? Surreal doesn't even begin to describe those first moments...excitement, joy, an off the charts feeling of strength and baddassery, and a sweet release of all of the fear I'd been holding on to for months and months.

Pitocin is routinely given immediately after birth and although we didn't want it, the nurses had already started it so there really was no point in fighting it, nor did I want to. It had no lasting affects on Grace or I, and we were so wrapped up in staring at our little girl it really didn't matter. I was able to do the spontaneous placenta delivery and delayed cord clamping without any issue. I think all of that happened within 10 minutes, and I remember Deb saying she hadn't seen a cord pulse that long in awhile. We signed a waiver to have our placenta released to Lauren for encapsulation...you can ask me more about that if you're curious!

The most important wish for me was to have uninterrupted skin to skin time, and I'm so thankful I was given that precious time with Grace. She stayed on me for 2.5 hours and was able to nurse, cuddle, and we both just basked in those sweet oxytocin vibes. I remember asking the nurses "do you need to weigh her now?" and each time they'd tell me nope, and to take as much time as I wanted. The nurses were so sweet and kind and I really liked them a lot, despite the uterine massages they had to give me every 15 minutes.

Both sets of grandparents got their turns at coming in to visit and take pictures, and they were all so thankful and glad that our sweet baby Grace was finally here. We had kept the name a secret from everyone, so after she was born Ben went out to the lobby and first pointed at my dad and said "Grace" (his mama), and then pointed at his mom and said "Elizabeth" (her mama). There were many happy tears and hugs all around. I wish I could've seen that sweet exchange, but I'm also happy that Ben got to have that proud papa moment all to himself.

It was around 9:30pm when Grace was weighed and measured and we found out she was 7lb, 7oz and 21" long. Pair that with being born at exactly 7pm and some might say I have a very lucky baby! Becky and Lauren asked if we'd like to go home that night and at first I was wondering if that was even possible. We talked it over with Dr. Deb and since my bleeding was under control and Grace didn't have any issues, she gave us the go ahead! I don't think the nurses were quite prepared for such a quick exit (they ended up forgetting all about her birth certificate), but they brought us the appropriate forms to sign and then we packed up to go home. God bless Lauren for going ahead of us and letting Harley out, changing our sheets and steeping the herb mixture we'd gotten in our home birth kit for my peri bottle and bath the next day. Everything I packed for Grace was too big, and then just a few months ago I realized I had never put an infant insert in the carseat--oops! Despite a few hiccups (including almost forgetting my pillow), by 10:30pm we were loaded up in the Escape and made our way home. Every new parent thinks "they're letting us leave with a baby?! We have no clue what we're doing!" and we were no exception.

I could go on and on about my experience (and will hopefully write a post partum post in the near-ish future) but I'll try to wrap it up with a few thoughts. No matter what kind of birth you choose, I'd encourage you to look at all of your options and be well informed about all of the possible interventions. Just because something has been done a certain way for years and years doesn't mean it's the right way for you, and that's okay. Challenge the norms. Ask questions. You don't have to have a home birth or a med free birth in order to have an amazing birth. This is YOUR birth story, and you have a say in what you're comfortable with. With that being said, if you DO choose the med free route, part of your preparation is knowing that things may change. Don't take for granted the mental preparation it takes to prepare for birth and possible changes to your plan. I honestly don't know what would've happened if I hadn't spent months researching, reading positive birth stories and affirming that "I am not afraid. I was born to do this." (Joan of Arc). God has given females in amazing gift to be able to birth babies, and that should empower you and lift you up, not make you cower in fear of the unknown. Although things may not have gone the way I had planned them out so carefully, I'm very thankful that the Lord knew exactly what I needed. His ways are perfect y'all, even when they don't make sense to us. He surrounded us with so many amazing that day, and I'm so thankful of His loving care and protection. He's given me a beautiful, healthy daughter, and I couldn't ask for more.

This is something I had thought we wouldn't get to experience by not having a homebirth,
but Lauren did it a few days later and I'm so thankful!

Our 9 month old wild girl!

The Story of Grace (part 1)

The last photo of G in my belly taken on Tuesday, May 23rd.

Everyone will tell you to make a birth plan, but to also be prepared for it to change.

Like so many others, that was how our story played out.

 It's a story of pain, fear, joy, strength, grace and Grace, and I'm going to attempt to tell it in a fairly concise way, including as many details as I can. (This may be a good time to stop reading if birth stories aren't your thing--no hard feelings!) As much as I want to share it with everyone and put another positive birth story out into the world, this is also largely for myself. I want to be able to recount Grace's story to her someday and let her know that although it was a long and hard journey, it was ALL worth it to finally have her safe in my arms.

Quick side note: Since around 23-24 weeks of my pregnancy, Ben and I decided we wanted to have a home water birth. How we came to that decision is another blog post entirely, which I plan on sharing another time. We felt really comfortable with our decision because  my pregnancy was low risk and healthy. The bond we formed with our midwives (MWs) was absolutely invaluable, and this was honestly the best decision we could have made, despite not having the home birth we'd been dreaming of. (More on that later, promise!)

Friday, May 19th--The Due Date
I was both proud and anxious to have made it to 40 weeks. Proud, because some women never get to reach that milestone and anxious, because I knew baby would be coming soon. It may be 2 days or 2 weeks but it wouldn't be long.

I had an OB appointment that day (we still continued to see the OB along with our MWs) and Rachel came with me, because Ben was working. The doc said things looked really great...I was 2-3cm dilated and somewhere between 50%-70% effaced. Baby's head was nice and low, and my doc was fully confident I'd have her within the next couple of days. Yahoo! I tried not to get overly excited, because you can be at 2-3cm for quite awhile without much happening. I was super blessed to have an OB who was on board with our home birth plans and who was so positive that things were going to go smoothly. He didn't strip my membranes, but did a little something that he said would help things along, though I'm not sure what it was. All I know is, it was NOT comfortable.

After that, Lindsay happened to be in town so she, Rachel and I walked around a bit. I was hoping that miraculously contractions would start, but really I just experienced more Braxton Hicks (BHs) contractions, which really just feel like a tightening in your lower abdomen, similar to period cramps. They aren't timeable, and honestly just annoying. Nothing too exciting happened until...

Sunday, May 21st
I finally felt my first real contractions, yahoo! As a first time mom, everything is so new and strange and you're feeling things in your body that you've never felt before. It's really hard to gauge what you're actually feeling...I kept questioning if I was having real contractions but after checking in with my midwife, I knew that I was. (One of the many perks of having midwives is being able to text them with questions and concerns...God bless Lauren and Becky for listening to my MANY questions!)

I knew that these were different because I could time them. Things would get very tight in my abdomen for 30-60 seconds (sometimes longer), and then release. I can't tell you how many times I Googled "what do real contractions feel like?"!

I dowloaded the Contraction timer app to keep track of them, and that was extremely helpful. I also started practicing my breathing and focusing with each contraction.

Monday, May 22nd
The day when even more fun began...also known as the day my water started leaking!

Somewhere around 5-6pm, Ben and I decided to go to Meijer to walk around, which basically consisted of Ben walking and me hobbling a few steps behind, having to pause every so often whenever I'd have a contraction. All of those people who say they "walked their baby out" have my complete respect, because I could barely put one step in front of the other. Grace was sitting so low, and with every step there were shooting pains in my downstairs region, aka known as "lightning crotch" (haha, pregnancy is SUPER glamorous, btw). Eventually I just couldn't walk around any longer, so I drove the truck home. (Don't worry about Ben...we live about 2 steps away from Meijer). After going to the bathroom, I stood up and to my delight, a small spurt of water came out! You're right, this could have been more urine, seeing as how I peed about 3094 times a day, but this was definitely different. I told Ben when he came home, and we were definitely thinking that TONIGHT COULD BE THE NIGHT! After so much waiting, we were as ready as ready could be.

But....

Grace decided to stay put for three.more.days.

Tuesday, May 23rd--Thursday May 25th
These days were not the most fun of my pregnancy, if I'm being completely honest.(Read: they sucked. Big time). Contractions would ramp up at night from 10pm-3am, and every time I had to roll over or go to the bathroom or move at all, Ben would have to help. I kept thinking "This is it! They're getting stronger!" only to have them slow down and peter out. During the day all I could do was nap and lay around, because I'd be so exhausted from the night before. I didn't feel like eating much, so peanut butter and apples were often the name of the game. I'd have contractions on and off during the day as well. This was most definitely the toughest part of pregnancy for me. In every way possible, both Ben and I were completely exhausted.

 I didn't want to admit it, but I could see my home birth dreams slowly slipping away with each passing day. That was really hard to stomach...we'd done months of research and careful planning, and had been so excited to give birth on our terms, intervention free and with our MWs by our side. I'd been eating well, drinking lots of water, and stayed very active until about 39 weeks. Zero complications throughout my pregnancy...by all accounts a very healthy and normal pregnancy. We'd had our birth kit for weeks and the pool set up in Grace's room since my 36th week of pregnancy. So why weren't things going the way I planned?

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9

On Wednesday Lauren and  Becky came over to check me, and at that point I was 6cm, 100% effaced and I believe the head was around -1 or 0. We were all encouraged by that! My MWs gave me a couple of more things I could do to try and get those contractions started, and I tried them over the next two days. Black and blue cohosh, nipple stimulation, bouncing on that darn ball, walking up and down stairs, taking all sorts of supplements...I tried so many things, y'all. Baby girl was still content to make mama uncomfortable every night from 10pm-3am, but nothing more than that. I'd also lost my mucus plug and had my bloody show during this time and according to Dr. Google, baby should've made an appearance soon after those things. Not for me. Turns out Grace was shaping up to be just as stubborn as her daddy (or mommy, if you ask Ben).

During this time I continued to watch for meconium and take my temperature, as per my MWs directions, and had no signs of infection*. A welcome silver lining in what was turning out to be a completely different cloud than what I had been dreaming of for months.

*OBs following the American Obstetrics guidelines will want you to have your baby 12-24 hours after your waters break, but MWs follow the Canadian guidelines which allow 72 hours. Your outer bag of water can actually seal itself back up and so during this time I was drinking a ton of water to help keep my fluid levels high.

Thursday, May 25th
This was the day we (Ben and I, our families, Lauren and Becky) decided that Plan B was inevitable. Unless Grace was going to make a move that day or night, we made the choice to call the OB in the morning and ultimately have her at the hospital.

As to be expected when things don't play out as you'd hoped, there were tears. Lots of them. There were questions. There was anger. WHY did my pregnancy go so well, only to have this be the outcome?? What was the point of all of that if we weren't going to have the birth we'd been hoping for? In my mind I could see all of those beautiful home birth photos I'd been looking at for months on Pinterest, and realizing that would not be my reality. I wouldn't have photos like those. I wouldn't be able to write a blog post about my home birth experience. I wouldn't get to say "I did it! You can too!" to other first time mamas who might be considering birthing at home. I wouldn't get any of that. That was a tough pill to swallow...really tough.

I know how stressed our families were that entire week, so I'm sure that this decision to go into the hospital was a big relief to them. As much as I'm a people pleaser and felt good that they could rest easy, I'm also very strong willed and determined, and once I have an idea in my head it won't get out until it's realized. BUT at the same time, I knew that Grace had to come out, and everyone wanted her and I to be safe and healthy. I wanted that too of course but still...dreams don't die easily. 

I don't know what I would've done had I not been able to text Lauren and Becky during this time. This is one of the many, many things I love about midwifery care. You aren't just a number or a patient filling a bed, you're a friend and someone who deserves to be listened to. They encouraged me to mourn and recognize my feelings about our birth plan changing, while simultaneously encouraging me to surrender to the plan the Lord had for us. SURRENDER. What a beautiful and difficult thing to do.

I also don't know what I would've done without Ben by my side. He was there for each contraction and was just as exhausted as I was. He's often my voice of reason, and once we finally decided we'd be going into the hospital and this would all be ending soon, he was able to help me realize that his was the best choice for baby and I. He was nervous and anxious right along with me and constantly assured me that we were making the right choice and that everything would be okay.

I cried as I packed my hospital bag and hastily turned to Pinterest to see what I should pack. We also had to quickly write out our birth plan, which Lauren helped us fine tune. (Note: no matter where you choose to give birth or what your plan is, WRITE OUT A BIRTH PLAN WELL IN ADVANCE. Lesson learned). Coupled with the sadness I felt, I also felt relief and joy that we would FINALLY be meeting our Gracie girl sometime on the 26th. The longest week ever was about to end in the sweetest joy we'd ever known.

(CONTINUED in part 2!)