The Tale of the Golden Sconces.

Once upon a time, in a not-so-distant land, 

a man and his wife were spray painting a set of sconces gold.

Things were going quite well, with jokes and laughter being exchanged back and forth, 

when suddenly, everything took a turn for the worse.

The woman suggested that a layer of white might look nice over the gold, but turns out, it did not.

The spray paint began to clog, causing the man to become agitated.

The woman was trying to offer helpful advice in a non-helpful way, and heads butted.

What was once a delightful scene turned ugly. 

Finally, the woman called the man an impolite and foul name, 

to which he grabbed up the once golden sconces and the paint, 

threw them in the garage, and went inside with a fury.

(Not) The End.

This little story is a slightly  dramatic re-telling of an incident that happened in the Knight household a couple of months ago. It was not a fine moment for either of us, and now, looking back seems so silly and stupid. For those of you who have been married awhile, this will probably just make you laugh. For those of you still in the "newlywed" or "fairly newlywed" boat, you might say "AMEN" to this. You have probably had countless, meaningless fights just like this, where halfway through arguing you have no idea what began the disagreement in the first place. But by golly, you're going to stay mad for the next several hours and stop around and give the silent treatment because he/she DESERVES IT! (Can I get another AMEN?)

Our first year of marriage has been filled with incidents just like these. There have been so many wonderful moments where our love has been so strong and so sweet, and other moments where choosing to love has felt like a chore. I hate to say it, but it's true, and I know Ben would say the same thing. 

Both of us have had to do a LOT of adjusting. The first several months of spending the night alone while Ben worked was really hard for me...there was definitely more than a few tears. I hated that separation and there were several times when I would look on Facebook and see photos of newlyweds who were having dinner together every night and I'd think "Isn't it supposed to be like that? Why can't WE have dinner together every night??" (It's so easy to lose sight of your blessings when you focus on others, FYI). Eventually, I had to learn how to shift my focus to truly get past that loneliness. I came to realize that I was so focused on myself that I wasn't able to realize how my tears were affecting Ben. I was making him feel like he was doing something wrong, when really, he was doing what he was called to do--work hard for our family. That was the first of many lessons I've learned over this past year.

It is so sad to me that in our day and age, marriage isn't regarded as something beautiful and sacred...it's more of a disposable entity that can be annulled whenever one desires. I can definitely see why there are a lot of married couples who, after the first year or two of marriage, call it quits. I can see how the frustrations can build up and accumulate, how communication can break down, and how it just doesn't seem like things will improve.

Will we really keep arguing about the same things over and over? 

Will he ever learn to read my mind and understand that I really need to talk to him about my day?

Why doesn't he get me flowers every third Tuesday like all of the other couples in America? 

BUT.

(I like big buts, and I cannot lie).

BUT, we are not on this marriage journey alone. We have never been left alone for one moment, even in our moments of less-than-Christ-like behavior. Even when we've told God "It's okay, we've got this. We can work it out on our own, thank you very much!" He has never once abandoned us or allowed us to wallow for days on end in our selfishness and anger. We don't always succeed, but I truly believe he is showing both Ben and I how to think before we speak, and speak lovingly. He has taught us about hope, and shown us that even in times of trial and uncertainty, He is our best friend. He has shown us how to be the best friend that the other person needs. This is turning into a list, so let's just make it official and call it what it is!

This year, I have learned...

1). To speak up, and not harbor things inside. 

2). On the flip side, I have also learned what things I  DO need to keep inside. Not everything (especially sarcastic, sassy comments) needs to be said. 

3). To pick your battles. (See #2). 

4). Not to assume that every time Ben seems silent and distant, he is mad at me. 99% of the time, he is simply exhausted from work and is pondering something that went on there.

5). To pray for Ben. While engaged, I remember doing this all the time. Now that Ben and I are under the same roof and not facing the same set of temptations we did while dating, it's easy to get used to him being here and neglect that essential act. My focus shifts from myself and onto him, and his needs.

6). To enjoy cleaning. Okay, so this is a BIT of a stretch, but I'm learning that it doesn't have to be a burden to me, but instead a way to show Ben that I love him, and care about our home. I love when he can come home and completely relax, and not have to worry about anything. It's a small gift I can give him. (For the record, he's pretty awesome about cleaning with me, going grocery shopping and cooking meals when he has the weekends off!)

7). To trust. To trust God in what He's doing in our lives and to trust Ben with my heart. 

8). To not take time with Ben for granted. Whether it's 5 minutes or 5 hours, time with my best good friend is precious.

9). To think of Ben (and others, for that matter) more than myself. Selfishness and marriage do not belong in the same sentence...I'm slowly but surely learning this.

10). To love, even when it's hard. This is a continual process, but choosing to love, even when it's tough, has only served to strengthen our marriage.

All of these things are little tiny drops in the bucket of our married life. Those lessons, the "drops", will never fully fill that bucket, because there will always be something new to learn. Some of those drops will be bigger, some will just seem bigger, and some will be more like a gentle mist. God is showing his faithfulness and his love through each lesson, no matter its size. I am thankful he has seen fit to provide such a loving, thoughtful, and kind hearted man to walk beside me. Someone who is the earthly representation of his love, even when he (Ben) doesn't think so. There were many points in my life where I wondered if my Ben would ever come, but, as God so beautifully does, he brought him into my world at just the right time. Thank you for loving me, Benjamin Cole. I love you.

Oh, and as for those golden sconces? I (literally) ran to the store to get more gold spray paint, and then scraped off as much of the gross white paint as I could. The sandpaper I used left grooves and scratches in the once smooth sconces, but once they were painted gold, they didn't look half bad. (We're fans of the rustic look anyway!) Most importantly, apologies were made and forgiveness was given. Isn't grace a beautiful thing?

We both agreed that we will keep those cheap, and now slightly gaudy, sconces forever, and leave them gold. Wherever we go, they'll be hanging on the wall as a reminder that no matter the silliness or the size of our arguments, God's love, grace and forgiveness are MUCH bigger. There is no "golden sconce experience" too big for Ben and I to handle because of our God's great love. For that, I will always be thankful to the one with whom all things are possible.