Thoughts from Psalm 139

Wow, it's only been a few days and I'm writing another blog...woot! I'm trying to stick by this goal of mine to write thoughts on here more often, no matter who is and isn't reading them!

I hope 2011 has treated you all very well so far. I've been crafting, spending LOTS of time with family, exercising, cooking and oddly enough, organizing shelves in my mom's kitchen. I'm also starting to collect paint chips and things for my mom because redoing the kitchen is going to be my gift to her sometime this spring. The year is still young, and there are SO many things to be looking forward to. The coming of spring, the deepening of relationships, the spontaneous moments, the activities, and then for me, GRADUATION! If you were able to wade through the clutter that was my last entry, you'll know that is something that's on my mind lately-that, and what comes after. But after reading one of my very favorite Psalms that has gotten me through some of the darkest times in my life, my soul can once again rest at peace. It's with that introduction that I want to share a few (I'll try to keep it short) thoughts with you on this beautiful, snowy Friday morning.

The first big thing that I came across was that God KNOWS me, and he knew exactly what he was doing when he created me. He was forming a very special path for me before my 9lb., 5oz. self came out to meet the world! Just knowing that's he's held my life in his hands for that long is a HUGE comfort.

"You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways."

He's familiar with the good in me and the bad. He knows that I tend to procrastinate, but he also knows that through that procrastination, he can work his plan and he's definitely done that thus far.

"You hem me in behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me."

What?? The God that created everything in the entire world has His hand on me? Does that mean that He's going to guide me where HE wants me to go? Yes. But I have to put forth effort and say "God, I'm going to trust in you to lead me. I've seen what you've done so far, and because of your faithfulness in the past, I can trust you to lead my future." And that's it. God will completely meet me and guide me if I give the reins to him. But if I fight with him, if I put my agenda before his, then there's no room for him to work because my ego is taking up both the driver's AND passenger's seat.

"Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?"

I can't tell you how valuable this verse is to me. The reality is, I feel like God is drawing me to places that aren't overtly Christian, or Christian at all. Places where my faith puts me in the minority. If you would've told me that a few years ago, I probably wouldn't have believed you. But I feel this call on my life to, simply put, "love God and serve others." Because you know what? I've seen God work through that and feel His joy surround me when share His love. I am humbled and amazed that He'd choose someone like me to be a light, a witness, a friend and confidante to those who hurt and who simply need someone to love them and listen to them. I don't want to be in a place where those things are easy to me-I've been in those environments my entire life! I may not know much about the future, but I know that God's going to put me in a place where He can shine the brightest.

"If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."

Anything I would add to that would be insufficient.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

There was a time where I didn't believe this at all. I hated myself and struggled hardcore for a year to believe that I was beautiful and worthy and made exactly how I'm supposed to be. God has since slapped me in the head over and over with this verse (sometimes gently, sometimes not) and has redeemed my life from the negative place it was at a few years ago. Not saying that I don't still struggle with this whole concept, because I do. It's a constant battle to say "Ok God, you win. I AM beautiful and worthy because you made me. And you don't make mistakes!" I can say all of that now because I believe the last half of that verse with my entire being...God has been SO wonderful to me throughout these past few years, and my whole life really. I've just become more conscious of his goodness and faithfulness lately. And not just in the BIG things, but in those little, everyday things like a beautiful sunrise, the promise of spring, and a great bowl of oatmeal. That sounds silly and trite but He created all of that for us to enjoy, didn't He? I've been learning that he deserves my praise in ALL things. He's filling me with joy just thinking about all He's done and what He'll continue to do!!

And last, but not least, I'm going to leave you with the last few verses of the Psalm that stand by themselves very well. God, you are GOOD.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me, and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."