A Deceitful Heart.

I think it's safe to say that over the past week, I've done a LOT of thinking.

As most thinking goes, it was spurned by an event. Not a significant event to most people, but one that is significant to me. The event was this:

I saw an ex with his new girlfriend after purposefully going out of my way to try and avoid them. 

 (dun dun DUNNNNNN).

It was obviously in the Lord's will for me to see them, and so I did. It was only for a brief moment, and I don't believe I was seen, but it was enough to influence my thoughts over this past week and it left me with no choice but to take a close, hard look into the depths of my heart (which can be a REALLY scary thing, let me tell you). And what I've found is that my heart is deceitful, wicked, and all too often desires the affection of men (or people) above the affection of God. That's the gross and real truth.  

 "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."

 Galatians 1:10

Um yes. That is me. A genuine, bonafide, people pleaser. Oftentimes I feel like the jobs I have require me to be that way, and I think I allow that mindset to carry over into my everyday interactions with friends and colleagues. I'm a DOer, meaning that I love to create and bake and give and I'm not going to lie, it's really satisfying to hear praise for my work. Or sometimes I get caught up in a "one-up" competition with someone, which generally goes something like this:

Person: "So this one time, I got my boyfriend a puppy for Christmas. He loved it so much!"

Me: "Oh that's cute...I got my boyfriend 2 puppies, a goldfish, and a pony, just for fun. He REALLY loved it!"

And then it just escalates from there.

That may be an extreme example, but you know what I'm talking about. And I think I do those things, because...well, I'm ashamed to say it, but because I doubt the love my Father has for me.

Why in the WORLD would I ever do that??

Oh, that's right, because Facebook is greater. Waiting on texts that never come is really important. Spending energy thinking about people who don't think about me is helpful. Pursuing unhealthy relationships is #1. Loving man first over loving God first is the best way to live.

When laid out like that, I feel pretty foolish. C'mon Danielle, let's use that "million dollar education" (as Mike Davis likes to say) and the brain God gave you to figure out that all of these things you're pursuing are NOTHING compared to pursuing the love and glory of God.

What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ.

Philippians 3:8

Because I like to be real, let's just delve into what "rubbish" means for a moment. In several sermons I've heard, coupled with my own research, "rubbish" means several things: offal, excrement, crap, just to name a few. Use your imagination to think of a few stronger terms, and there you have it. 

ANYTHING I pursue outside of Christ is, quite literally, a load of #$&%. 

(This just keeps getting more and more encouraging). 

When confronted with THAT knowledge, any sort of pride or joy I feel like I've experienced by pursuing the affection of man above the affection of God is completely destroyed, and I am left broken, guilty, and ashamed.

BUT  (and there's a big one here).

I don't have to stay that way. 

SIGH.OF.RELIEF. The thought of carrying around that guilt all day, everyday, without any reprieve, is terrifying. I would become a monster, and not even a cute, "Where the Wild Things Are" type of monster. But an ugly one and mean one, because I am full of sin, self, and all things terrible. Praise God I don't have to stay that way.

For me, this revelation of God's love and forgiveness has to happen daily, because I mess up every single day. Multiple times a day, when I look on Facebook and see that 20 more of my friends are now engaged, or when I happen to catch a glimpse of an ex, it is the hardest thing to try and not think negative, self serving thoughts like: 

What's wrong with me?

Why am I STILL single?

Will anyone EVERY love me?!

WHERE HAVE ALL OF THE GOOD GUYS GONE?!

All of those thoughts show a doubt in the ever present, never changing love of my Father. They are from the Liar, who only seeks to destroy my heart. Who wants the scars and the bruises that have accrued over the years to completely over take my heart and destroy it. Who finds joy and satisfaction when I pursue the things of this world above the things of my Healer, my Beloved, my Abba. And I find that those thoughts creep in when I'm not working on my relationship with my Father, which happens more often than I would like to admit.

As I listened to a sermon on loving God this morning by Shea Sumlin of The Village Church in Texas, all of these thoughts came to a head, and once again I was confronted by my utter lack of trust in God's love for me. Shea brought up the point that NO ONE can ever love God in the way He loves us, because we do not fully believe in his unshakeable love for us. We put his perfect love on the same plain as imperfect human love, and there is really no comparison between the two. I have been disappointed time and time again by human love, but never have I EVER been disappointed by the overwhelming love of the Father. If a human were to demand that we love him with all of our hearts, soul and mind as Christ does, that would be prideful and sinful. But because God has no sin, he CANNOT sin, he demands that love from us. 

He gave his Son for us.

He loves us with an everlasting love.

He forgives our sins.

He binds up our hearts and heals our wounds.

He never lets go.

He doesn't want to let go.

He is always the same.

He will not leave.

He gives us His Spirit.

He protects our heart-we don't have to guard our hearts with Him. We can love him fully and completely, and allow that love to spill over over everything. 

And those are just a few reasons why he deserves our love. Where does this sinner fit into that love? How can I receive it?

Well Danielle, believe in Him. Trust in His love. Know that He will take you back every time you fail.

This was illustrated in a beautiful way in the sermon I heard, and made me tear up just hearing it. Pastor Shea told a sermon of a modern day prodigal son, who took the inheritance his father promised him and blew all of it on temporary things that left him full of STDs, without friends, and at the end of his rope. He wanted to return to his father, to ask his forgiveness, but he couldn't bring himself to confront his father himself, so he sent one of his father's workers home with a note. The note asked his father's forgiveness, apologized for everything he had done, and acknowledged that he wasn't worthy of anything but working on the farm for his father. He asked his father to lay a white sheet over a fence if he was allowed to come home, signifying that his father forgave him. The train the son was riding was going to pass by this fence and if he saw the sheet, he knew he was forgiven and welcome by his father. As the train approached the farm, the son couldn't bring himself to look out the window, but he was told to come to the window as the farm came into full view. What he saw wasn't just a singular sheet over the fence, but as far as his eye could see, white sheets covered EVERYTHING. He wasn't just forgiven, he was FORGIVEN, and welcomed home with open arms.

A love like that should bring tears to our eyes, should bring us to our knees in repentance, should spurn us to serve and love God first, above all else. 

 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.

Matthew 22: 37-38 

It is a hefty command, one that I know I'm going to fail at today. And tomorrow. And the next day.

BUT (another big one).

I serve a God who will put out the white sheets for me and take me back time and time again.  A God who loves me in spite of myself.

If that isn't love, then I don't know what is.