It is WAY past July 11th, way past the nervous feelings I had before my campers came. So much has gone on that would take 90 years to explain and none of it would make much sense to people who aren't here and frankly, it'd probably be pretty boring.
At this point, I'm looking at my last 6 days in Steamboat and that is the strangest thing to me. It's funny to think that I've been here for less than 2 months but this feels so much like home. These people whom I knew nothing about at first are now like family and I couldn't imagine not knowing them. We've been through a lot and I can honestly say this is the toughest job that I've ever had. At the same time, it's been the most satisfying, the most beautiful, the most wonderful. I'm 22 hours away from "home" (or 18 hours, depending on whether I feel like Jackson is home or not), I haven't seen my family in quite awhile (and may not see my dad until Thanksgiving), I'd never been to this place before June 13th and I've had to figure a lot of things out on my own.
Then why do I love it here so much?
If home is where the heart is, then I'm home. Yet I can't say that with a clear conscience, because I feel like bits and pieces of my heart are all over the place-Jackson, Marion, here, and with the counselors that left this morning. How is it still possible to have a full heart after that? To know where you belong? It's late, and I've gotten up before 6 the past 2 days and I feel like all of my intelligent thought has gone out the window.
And now Sufjan Stevens is playing on Pandora and I want to cry.
My body is all sorts of messed up for various reasons, and I'm in a constant state of physical discomfort with hardly any relief. The only semi-settled thing is my heart and the peace I feel each day when I wake up to sunshine and the anticipation of a good breakfast. There's also the anticipation of what the day will hold-who's going to need my love? My listening ear? My sympathy? If I've realized anything this summer, it's that people are hurting and oftentimes all they want is love. A hug. Someone to hold their hand. Someone to truly listen, to identify with, to respond to their problems. There's no replacement for quality time spent discovering the likes, dislikes, fears, thoughts and values that someone holds dear. I have met some precious, PRECIOUS people, and the thought of leaving them is just frightening to me. Going back to the real world, to a place where I don't know if I belong anymore. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond excited to live with 2 of my best friends in an adorable duplex and for all of the lovely muffin and coffee parties we're going to have...it's going to be amazing. I'm excited for friends and life and meeting all of those crazy freshman in just a few short weeks. I have a renewed passion for my art and for new kinds of art...to be able to help people through my passion would be amazing. I'm excited to serve, get involved, do SOMETHING worthwhile.
But there's also another feeling...a little voice telling me I need to prepare myself to fly. Maybe it's just because I've fallen in love with this place, but I want to move here in a year. I do NOT want to settle in the South...it's just not for me. I hate to plan things because they've often failed for me, but right now all I can think about is how to get back out here. After I graduate I want to become a personal trainer (because I feel that's something you can do wherever you go and this summer has definitely renewed my love for fitness), move here, do theatre when I can, and minister to people. I've found an amazing church here withing walking distance of the camp and I know it sounds silly because I've only gotten to go twice, but I feel completely at home there. It's a small church but it's so completely alive and the messages I heard had such an impact on me. Their gist was to love and serve people, which is something I believe Christ preaches over and over. Both of those things have been central to my life here, and I don't want that to stop.
So many things are swirling around in my head, and they might not make much sense but I wanted to throw them out there for the world to read. Or, for a few people to read. I don't know what the future holds...or tomorrow really...but I'm excited, scared, and a little nervous. I'm exhausted right now but I hope to blog a little more before I leave.
Goodnight.
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