The Story of Grace (part 1)

The last photo of G in my belly taken on Tuesday, May 23rd.

Everyone will tell you to make a birth plan, but to also be prepared for it to change.

Like so many others, that was how our story played out.

 It's a story of pain, fear, joy, strength, grace and Grace, and I'm going to attempt to tell it in a fairly concise way, including as many details as I can. (This may be a good time to stop reading if birth stories aren't your thing--no hard feelings!) As much as I want to share it with everyone and put another positive birth story out into the world, this is also largely for myself. I want to be able to recount Grace's story to her someday and let her know that although it was a long and hard journey, it was ALL worth it to finally have her safe in my arms.

Quick side note: Since around 23-24 weeks of my pregnancy, Ben and I decided we wanted to have a home water birth. How we came to that decision is another blog post entirely, which I plan on sharing another time. We felt really comfortable with our decision because  my pregnancy was low risk and healthy. The bond we formed with our midwives (MWs) was absolutely invaluable, and this was honestly the best decision we could have made, despite not having the home birth we'd been dreaming of. (More on that later, promise!)

Friday, May 19th--The Due Date
I was both proud and anxious to have made it to 40 weeks. Proud, because some women never get to reach that milestone and anxious, because I knew baby would be coming soon. It may be 2 days or 2 weeks but it wouldn't be long.

I had an OB appointment that day (we still continued to see the OB along with our MWs) and Rachel came with me, because Ben was working. The doc said things looked really great...I was 2-3cm dilated and somewhere between 50%-70% effaced. Baby's head was nice and low, and my doc was fully confident I'd have her within the next couple of days. Yahoo! I tried not to get overly excited, because you can be at 2-3cm for quite awhile without much happening. I was super blessed to have an OB who was on board with our home birth plans and who was so positive that things were going to go smoothly. He didn't strip my membranes, but did a little something that he said would help things along, though I'm not sure what it was. All I know is, it was NOT comfortable.

After that, Lindsay happened to be in town so she, Rachel and I walked around a bit. I was hoping that miraculously contractions would start, but really I just experienced more Braxton Hicks (BHs) contractions, which really just feel like a tightening in your lower abdomen, similar to period cramps. They aren't timeable, and honestly just annoying. Nothing too exciting happened until...

Sunday, May 21st
I finally felt my first real contractions, yahoo! As a first time mom, everything is so new and strange and you're feeling things in your body that you've never felt before. It's really hard to gauge what you're actually feeling...I kept questioning if I was having real contractions but after checking in with my midwife, I knew that I was. (One of the many perks of having midwives is being able to text them with questions and concerns...God bless Lauren and Becky for listening to my MANY questions!)

I knew that these were different because I could time them. Things would get very tight in my abdomen for 30-60 seconds (sometimes longer), and then release. I can't tell you how many times I Googled "what do real contractions feel like?"!

I dowloaded the Contraction timer app to keep track of them, and that was extremely helpful. I also started practicing my breathing and focusing with each contraction.

Monday, May 22nd
The day when even more fun began...also known as the day my water started leaking!

Somewhere around 5-6pm, Ben and I decided to go to Meijer to walk around, which basically consisted of Ben walking and me hobbling a few steps behind, having to pause every so often whenever I'd have a contraction. All of those people who say they "walked their baby out" have my complete respect, because I could barely put one step in front of the other. Grace was sitting so low, and with every step there were shooting pains in my downstairs region, aka known as "lightning crotch" (haha, pregnancy is SUPER glamorous, btw). Eventually I just couldn't walk around any longer, so I drove the truck home. (Don't worry about Ben...we live about 2 steps away from Meijer). After going to the bathroom, I stood up and to my delight, a small spurt of water came out! You're right, this could have been more urine, seeing as how I peed about 3094 times a day, but this was definitely different. I told Ben when he came home, and we were definitely thinking that TONIGHT COULD BE THE NIGHT! After so much waiting, we were as ready as ready could be.

But....

Grace decided to stay put for three.more.days.

Tuesday, May 23rd--Thursday May 25th
These days were not the most fun of my pregnancy, if I'm being completely honest.(Read: they sucked. Big time). Contractions would ramp up at night from 10pm-3am, and every time I had to roll over or go to the bathroom or move at all, Ben would have to help. I kept thinking "This is it! They're getting stronger!" only to have them slow down and peter out. During the day all I could do was nap and lay around, because I'd be so exhausted from the night before. I didn't feel like eating much, so peanut butter and apples were often the name of the game. I'd have contractions on and off during the day as well. This was most definitely the toughest part of pregnancy for me. In every way possible, both Ben and I were completely exhausted.

 I didn't want to admit it, but I could see my home birth dreams slowly slipping away with each passing day. That was really hard to stomach...we'd done months of research and careful planning, and had been so excited to give birth on our terms, intervention free and with our MWs by our side. I'd been eating well, drinking lots of water, and stayed very active until about 39 weeks. Zero complications throughout my pregnancy...by all accounts a very healthy and normal pregnancy. We'd had our birth kit for weeks and the pool set up in Grace's room since my 36th week of pregnancy. So why weren't things going the way I planned?

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9

On Wednesday Lauren and  Becky came over to check me, and at that point I was 6cm, 100% effaced and I believe the head was around -1 or 0. We were all encouraged by that! My MWs gave me a couple of more things I could do to try and get those contractions started, and I tried them over the next two days. Black and blue cohosh, nipple stimulation, bouncing on that darn ball, walking up and down stairs, taking all sorts of supplements...I tried so many things, y'all. Baby girl was still content to make mama uncomfortable every night from 10pm-3am, but nothing more than that. I'd also lost my mucus plug and had my bloody show during this time and according to Dr. Google, baby should've made an appearance soon after those things. Not for me. Turns out Grace was shaping up to be just as stubborn as her daddy (or mommy, if you ask Ben).

During this time I continued to watch for meconium and take my temperature, as per my MWs directions, and had no signs of infection*. A welcome silver lining in what was turning out to be a completely different cloud than what I had been dreaming of for months.

*OBs following the American Obstetrics guidelines will want you to have your baby 12-24 hours after your waters break, but MWs follow the Canadian guidelines which allow 72 hours. Your outer bag of water can actually seal itself back up and so during this time I was drinking a ton of water to help keep my fluid levels high.

Thursday, May 25th
This was the day we (Ben and I, our families, Lauren and Becky) decided that Plan B was inevitable. Unless Grace was going to make a move that day or night, we made the choice to call the OB in the morning and ultimately have her at the hospital.

As to be expected when things don't play out as you'd hoped, there were tears. Lots of them. There were questions. There was anger. WHY did my pregnancy go so well, only to have this be the outcome?? What was the point of all of that if we weren't going to have the birth we'd been hoping for? In my mind I could see all of those beautiful home birth photos I'd been looking at for months on Pinterest, and realizing that would not be my reality. I wouldn't have photos like those. I wouldn't be able to write a blog post about my home birth experience. I wouldn't get to say "I did it! You can too!" to other first time mamas who might be considering birthing at home. I wouldn't get any of that. That was a tough pill to swallow...really tough.

I know how stressed our families were that entire week, so I'm sure that this decision to go into the hospital was a big relief to them. As much as I'm a people pleaser and felt good that they could rest easy, I'm also very strong willed and determined, and once I have an idea in my head it won't get out until it's realized. BUT at the same time, I knew that Grace had to come out, and everyone wanted her and I to be safe and healthy. I wanted that too of course but still...dreams don't die easily. 

I don't know what I would've done had I not been able to text Lauren and Becky during this time. This is one of the many, many things I love about midwifery care. You aren't just a number or a patient filling a bed, you're a friend and someone who deserves to be listened to. They encouraged me to mourn and recognize my feelings about our birth plan changing, while simultaneously encouraging me to surrender to the plan the Lord had for us. SURRENDER. What a beautiful and difficult thing to do.

I also don't know what I would've done without Ben by my side. He was there for each contraction and was just as exhausted as I was. He's often my voice of reason, and once we finally decided we'd be going into the hospital and this would all be ending soon, he was able to help me realize that his was the best choice for baby and I. He was nervous and anxious right along with me and constantly assured me that we were making the right choice and that everything would be okay.

I cried as I packed my hospital bag and hastily turned to Pinterest to see what I should pack. We also had to quickly write out our birth plan, which Lauren helped us fine tune. (Note: no matter where you choose to give birth or what your plan is, WRITE OUT A BIRTH PLAN WELL IN ADVANCE. Lesson learned). Coupled with the sadness I felt, I also felt relief and joy that we would FINALLY be meeting our Gracie girl sometime on the 26th. The longest week ever was about to end in the sweetest joy we'd ever known.

(CONTINUED in part 2!)

Mid-Late 20s Musings.

Ahh, "spring"! (I say "spring" because it says spring on the calendar, but it's hovering around 40 today. Love you mean it, Ohio).

It's just about time for my semi annual post, and since I'm on spring break (insert crying from joy emoji), I have time to think and write. Yippee!

Since I start many a blog post and finish roughly 1/4 of them, I just want to cut right to the chase before the chalk paint I'm playing around with calls my name again. I feel winds o' change a blowin', yet have no idea where they're blowing me.

In the post college/slow crawl to 30 (!!) years, I feel that the social norm is to generally have things figured out. Somewhat. Maybe settled in a career you enjoy, with the possible addition of a home, spouse, kids, succulents, pets...you get the point. Or maybe your slow crawl to 30 existence doesn't look like that--feel free to insert any combination of nouns you'd like.

Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's a whole ton of you that are hiding out somewhere, but as a creative being, I don't know if I've ever felt truly settled. I've held a variety of jobs and had many wonderful experiences, but after a couple of years at said jobs I feel the need to shake things up a bit. Is that a part of growing up? The older I get, the more sure I am that what I want to do with my life needs to be something I'm passionate about. I feel that no experience is wasted, and that God uses everything we go through to point us to Him. Everything we do has a purpose, and I feel like sometimes that purpose is to show us WHY we're created. I know the ultimate purpose of my life is to love and serve God and those around me. But HOW can I use the gifts He's given me to better serve Him? Or am I serving Him in the best possible way now? (Apparently it's 20 questions day).

I know these thoughts I'm having aren't unique, because I know that many of you have gone/are going through the same things. Maybe being a "career chameleon" is more prevalent among creative types? I don't know.

Here are things I DO know:
-I love to teach. I love all of my littles and their families so very much, but I feel a strong pull towards my high school kids and the theater program at my school. Over the past 3 years I've forged amazing relationships with the kids, and I can see their passion for theater growing. Theater is in my blood, and I get no greater joy than sharing that with the next generation. Having to focus on both preschool and high school gets a little bit lot tiring, and I often feel like I can't fully concentrate on one area.
-I love to craft. I try to DIY the crap out of everything I find, and if I see something I want at Hob Lob, I usually think "I can make that." When I get really busy, I don't get to create lovely things as much, and that makes me really sad.
-I want to be a stay at home mom...when we have kids. This is really important to me. I'm the type who can't stay idle for long, so while baby is napping I'd love to be doing something that makes a little money for our household/something I can do from home. I'll need a little something to keep me connected and creatively fulfilled.
-I love people. I love making and baking things and sharing those with people around me. 'nuf said.
-I love weddings and parties. One of my dreams is to be the "craft captain" that brides go to for their special day (I'm still working on a more official sounding title). Some people just don't have the time or patience to DIY things for their wedding, so they'd come to me and I'd make all of their crafty dreams come true! Wee!

I don't know what all of this means, but it feels good to just throw it all out there. Basically I need a job that involves theater, DIY things, and potentially staying at home. (Oh and coffee whenever I want). This is an exciting/nerve wracking/changin' time for Ben and I, and I'm trying to be patient and enjoy the ride. I'm trying my hardest to trust God with these thoughts and desires, and to rest in the knowledge that He's got it all figured out. In the meantime, lemme get back to the chalk paint.

Thanks for listening to these ramblings, friends. Since it's 20 questions day, let me leave you with a couple...

-Are you living out your dreams right now?
-If you could do annnnyyyything in the world, what would it be?

Stay lovely!

-D

Community.

With every job that is complete,

there is a sense of bittersweet.

That moment when you know the task is done.

Though in your heart you'd like to stay,

to help things on their way,

You've always known, they must do it alone.

Those are the words Mary sings at the end of "Mary Poppins", after she's finally helped to set things right in the Banks' household. As our Mary (Sara) sang them every night, I kept thinking how fitting and beautiful they were, and the deeper meaning that they would hold for all of us when "Mary Poppins" closed. 

I and my cast mates truly felt those words as we took our final bows. Emotions ran high from before the show started to after it ended, and as many of us tried to sing the bows one last time, we knew in our hearts that it was time to say goodbye to the magic that is/was "Mary Poppins". It's hard to pinpoint the exact thing that makes this show one of the hardest to say "goodbye" to. Maybe it's the time we've all put into it. Maybe it's the unwavering dedication...some of us arriving early to rehearsals to practice "Step in Time." Maybe it's the magic that the set designers built into our beautiful set. Maybe it's the tough tech week we all went through together. Maybe it's the response of the audience...the cheers as we finished "Supercal" and "Step in Time", the standing ovations each night. It is all those things, and so many more. 

I'm so glad that is was at this point in life that I was able to part of this show. As a teen, I might've missed some of the beauty of it. When you're between the ages of 13-16, it's just natural to be concerned about the cute boys in the cast or your costume or friend drama. I'm sure I was like that...we all were. In heart and mind I still feel quite young sometimes, but the realization that I'm not as young anymore hit me hard after learning "Supercal" and "Step in Time." The sweat and the soreness and the thoughts of "will I ever learn this??" were all too real. I know that 26 isn't old by any means, but it got me thinking about how much longer I'll be able to keep up with the teens or be part of those high energy dances. Time continually marches on and while in some ways it's sad, it's also a reminder that the torch must be passed on someday to the up and comers (or "whippersnappers" as I like to call them). Time to take a small step back and let them have the spotlight and enjoy their moment. 

As we grow older, the "magical things" of life slowly begin to fade, and if you're not careful you become a little jaded and bitter. How refreshing it was to spend a summer being reminded that there is good in the world, and that you can have a small part in that good. It's nice to be reminded that no matter your age, you can still chase your dreams, and help others chase theirs. It was such a joy to watch the youngest cast members experience the magic, and begin to grasp why theater is so very special, and important.

I can't stress enough how good it felt to give myself completely to this show. To be filled up and poured out over and over again. To be around my theater family, a group that is so loving and supportive and kind. To be led by such fierce leaders who gave us all the space we needed to grow. Like I mentioned earlier, I often reflect on the passage of time, and realizing how quickly this summer has passed and how this experience can never be brought back saddens me. Yet I'm hopeful and thankful for the next chapter to start, one that I will get to write. In a little less than a month, I will begin rehearsals for "Our Town", a task that is just a little more than slightly daunting. I will get to put into practice the things that I have learned from my college professors and the wonderful directorial team at the Palace and carry on the legacy of excellence that our theater is known for. It is my turn now, and my hope is that I will be able to do this beautiful show justice, and give more people the chance to experience "the magic".

To those who think "Eh...community theater", I want you to know that I am 110% proud to be a part of the Marion Palace Theater and of the great things we have accomplished there. I think about the friends I've made and the things I've learned, and I know that I am blessed. To me, this small but mighty theater is practically perfect. And I know it will remain so.

Reupholstering: Chair Edition!

For those who frequent the thrift stores, you know the difference between a good deal, and a GREAT deal. I love looking for that diamond in the rough and being able to take it home and work a little DIY magic on it. I found one of those great deals last August, and this is how my project turned out!

Let's take a quick trip back to December 2013...After rearranging our living room furniture to put the Christmas tree up, my husband and I ended up really liking the new arrangement. What we didn't like was the gaping hole it left in front of our large living room window. 

Yay new arrangement!

Boo gaping hole.

We started looking for chairs, but we kept running into the problem of expensive, poor quality, and frankly, uncomfortable chairs. $250 for a chair that we'd really only use when guests come over? No, thank you!

Harley approved.

As with most great thrift store finds, the day you go in, looking for nothing in particular, is the day you find exactly what you've been looking for all along. Luckily for me, it was a Saturday when I wandered into Salvo, which meant all furniture was 50%! I laid my eyes on these vintage beauties, and after some furious texting back and forth with Mr. Ben (aka convincing him I could work some magic on the chairs), I decided to purchase them. To my delight, I got all 3 for $25! That completely confirmed my suspicions that these chairs were the ones for our home.

Pretty wood and 1970s (?) fabric? I don't hate it.

I immediately uploaded photos of the chairs to Instagram with a desperate "Somebody-please-tell-me-how to-reupholster!" plea attached. With the help of my dear friend (who is the blogging/Paleo-ing/crafting Queen over at Domestic360) and others, and with a little internet research myself, I dove head first into my first reupholstery project.

After I got going, it really turned out to be a fairly simple-ish project. There were so many staples to take out, which really turned out to be one of the worst parts. I used a flat head screwdriver to pry the screws up, and then pliers to take them out. With a curious puppy roaming underfoot who has an appetite for the inedible, I was super careful about throwing all of my staples away! I replaced the old wool with batting and also added more foam to the seat cushion to give it a bit of fluff and bounce. I wish I could say I was super technical when adding the batting (rhyme?), but I wasn't. If I felt like it needed more, then I put another layer in. Hopefully that doesn't come back to bite me in the butt someday...

The beginning. 

Exposing the OLD wool and just the first layer of staples beneath.

With the advice of friends, I took many photos along the way so I would know exactly how things went back together. The scariest part was the moment of stapling. There's no going back after that first staple goes in! (Helpful hint: If the backrest of your chair is curved like mine, I would suggest having a husband/friend/parent help you hold the fabric taut for those first few staples. Cutting down on wobbliness, especially when using an electric stapler, is key!)

There were a few minor hiccups and brain farts when it came to sewing a new seat cover, but once again, I got by with a little help from my friends...namely, Corey, the sewing diva (the blogging/Paleo-ing/crafting Queen I was talking about). Once I got the cover finished, it slipped over the seat and I was able to staple it down myself, sans hubby. There are only a few things more empowering than using a power tool to create something beautiful...I AM WOMAN. HEAR ME ROAR.

Ta-da!

In the end, I'm super pleased with how the chairs turned out, and although it took me longer than I hoped (I finished the second chair in December...sorry honey!), I'd do it again. The fabric was just what I wanted, and although it did pain me a bit to spray paint the wooden frame, I love how the white looks. Whether tackling a similar project or doing something completely differing, my crafting philosophy is this: It's always better to make something yourself, and exactly how you want it. With a lucky trip to Salvo and the perfect fabric from Hob Lob, we now have two chairs that look lovely in our living room, and that we didn't break the bank for. With materials, it cost me around $30 per chair. You can't beat that! (Oh, and Harley loves them too).

"Thanks for making this for me," says Harley. "Also, thanks for this blanket. I'll keep you around awhile."

Yep, it's hers.

Have you ever reupholstered something? Was it a total success or total disaster? I'm no expert by any means, but I'd love to answer any questions you have. And who knows, maybe sometime this summer I'll tackle that third chair and take photos along the way to put together a more detailed blog post about the process! (I wouldn't hold your breath for that one...)


Happy Reupholstering, friends!

The Summer of the Patty.

Dream Patty/Deck overlooking the ocean. I'll let you know when we move in.

The PARTIES on the Patty, that is. Basically all that means is we're planning on getting a patio poured outside our house, so I feel every gathering we hold there needs to be referred to as a "Patty Party." With my love of abbrev(iation)s, this makes total sense to me.

If you're a teacher, you KNOW the exciting promise that summer break brings. The long days spent with family/friends or just by yourself, in quiet solitude. Some probably don't think teachers really need summer breaks, but if you're a teacher, you know how essential it is to your mental and physical health. Nine months out of the year you are drying tears, wiping noses, teaching, guiding, mentoring, loving, taking countless bathroom trips, answering strange questions planning parties, and putting band-aids on boo boos. There are even the occasions when you have to clean up barf, poop, or pee, or, if you're lucky, all 3 at the same time. It can be utterly and completely exhausting, and you feel as if there's no possible way you can do all of those things and run a household or get together with friends. It's tough.

But despite the exhausting days, teaching is one of the most rewarding things I've ever done, and I wouldn't trade it for the world, and I'm crazy enough to do it again next year!

This year I had exceptionally awesome classes, in both preschool and high school. Like, SERIOUSLY. It's crazy how you start off at the beginning of the year not knowing any of the parents or kids, but by the end you count the parents as your friends and you can't imagine not having those silly sweeties in your class the next year. One preschool parent who has become a friend got me sweet little gifts throughout the year, and somehow nailed my style exactly, and she also took amazing headshots for me. Another parent brought me super yummy "apple crispy" during my long parent/teacher conference day and invited both my husband and I to her son's birthday party (which was awesome by the way). Those seemingly small gestures are part of what made this year so fabulous and as mentioned before, those kids are NOT allowed to move on to PreK!

Poo Drizzle--what you make when the teacher forgets the ingredients for a student's dish so you just have to make something up with what's in the cabinet.

My high school classes were also pretty grand, though a bit rocky at the start. There were 18 in my Culinary Arts class at the beginning of the year (!!). Let me tell you, in a fairly small kitchen with a singular stove things got a bit...chaotic. Being from the "Just-Throw-Crap-In-A-Bowl-And-Don't-Measure" School of Cooking, I struggled with slowing down and teaching the basics.We burnt some things, dropped some things, placed well in the school's dessert auction, and made a delightful dish called "Poo Drizzle", which people still ate, surprisingly. Despite some of my shortcomings, the kids remained enthusiastic all year. (The class was cut in half due to scheduling conflicts, so that cut down on crowd control/hair pulling out significantly).

Oh ya know, the cast just "breakin' it down."

Theater was great as well, yet, like Culinary Arts started out a bit on the rocky side. Nearly everyone failed our first quiz, which made me pretty mad at the time. BUT then I thought back to the big fat "F" I received on my first acting quiz of my college career, and so the only choice I had was to give them grace. Things greatly improved after that, and I may be biased, but I have an AMAZING group of kids who love theater. I've found that I truly have a passion for teaching and directing, which can be seen in the way my face gets flushed and my ears get red when I talk about it for too long. I hope that the kids continue to catch that passion this next year, and work on developing their own passion. I had 19 students by the end of the year and nearly half were boys--how often does that happen?!

IT'S GONNA BE GREAT! (Totally non-biased statement)

I'm really looking forward to these next 3 months of respite and relaxation. Well, it won't be totally relaxing, but a lot of fun. I'm in rehearsal for "Mary Poppins" at the Marion Palace Theater and I think it's going to kick my butt, in the best way possible. I'm ready (?) for those dancing rehearsals! Really though, WHO in their right mind is ready for "Supercal"? I'll also be working for an amazing business a dear friend owns called "Special Riding Stars", and I can't wait. She gives riding lessons to both typical children and children with a wide range of disabilities. It's really amazing. Not sure if the mister and I will be able to go on a vaca like we were thinking, but I'd be okay with a few long weekends away. After all, Ohio really does have SO much to discover...

You know me, I have several DIY projects up my sleeve this summer and I'd like to take you along and get your feedback...that is, if I can remember to take really artsy and softly lit photos during the process. I've been meaning to post my chair reupholstering project I started last August and finished in Decemeber awhile later so hopefully I'll get around to that. There are some things that I just think of in my head and should probably document so I can recreate them in the future. And who knows, you make want to try your hand at something I've done!

Maybe you'll go a-riding on a magical dolphin this summer!

What will YOU be up to this summer? Any fun family outings planned, or plans for evenings spent by a bonfire with friends? (Personally, that's one of my most favorite summery things to do). I'm off to get DIY-ing (whilst taking softly lit artsy photos) and then getting ingredients for one of those around the campfire/s'more times with friends!


Happy Summer!

The Tale of the Golden Sconces.

Once upon a time, in a not-so-distant land, 

a man and his wife were spray painting a set of sconces gold.

Things were going quite well, with jokes and laughter being exchanged back and forth, 

when suddenly, everything took a turn for the worse.

The woman suggested that a layer of white might look nice over the gold, but turns out, it did not.

The spray paint began to clog, causing the man to become agitated.

The woman was trying to offer helpful advice in a non-helpful way, and heads butted.

What was once a delightful scene turned ugly. 

Finally, the woman called the man an impolite and foul name, 

to which he grabbed up the once golden sconces and the paint, 

threw them in the garage, and went inside with a fury.

(Not) The End.

This little story is a slightly  dramatic re-telling of an incident that happened in the Knight household a couple of months ago. It was not a fine moment for either of us, and now, looking back seems so silly and stupid. For those of you who have been married awhile, this will probably just make you laugh. For those of you still in the "newlywed" or "fairly newlywed" boat, you might say "AMEN" to this. You have probably had countless, meaningless fights just like this, where halfway through arguing you have no idea what began the disagreement in the first place. But by golly, you're going to stay mad for the next several hours and stop around and give the silent treatment because he/she DESERVES IT! (Can I get another AMEN?)

Our first year of marriage has been filled with incidents just like these. There have been so many wonderful moments where our love has been so strong and so sweet, and other moments where choosing to love has felt like a chore. I hate to say it, but it's true, and I know Ben would say the same thing. 

Both of us have had to do a LOT of adjusting. The first several months of spending the night alone while Ben worked was really hard for me...there was definitely more than a few tears. I hated that separation and there were several times when I would look on Facebook and see photos of newlyweds who were having dinner together every night and I'd think "Isn't it supposed to be like that? Why can't WE have dinner together every night??" (It's so easy to lose sight of your blessings when you focus on others, FYI). Eventually, I had to learn how to shift my focus to truly get past that loneliness. I came to realize that I was so focused on myself that I wasn't able to realize how my tears were affecting Ben. I was making him feel like he was doing something wrong, when really, he was doing what he was called to do--work hard for our family. That was the first of many lessons I've learned over this past year.

It is so sad to me that in our day and age, marriage isn't regarded as something beautiful and sacred...it's more of a disposable entity that can be annulled whenever one desires. I can definitely see why there are a lot of married couples who, after the first year or two of marriage, call it quits. I can see how the frustrations can build up and accumulate, how communication can break down, and how it just doesn't seem like things will improve.

Will we really keep arguing about the same things over and over? 

Will he ever learn to read my mind and understand that I really need to talk to him about my day?

Why doesn't he get me flowers every third Tuesday like all of the other couples in America? 

BUT.

(I like big buts, and I cannot lie).

BUT, we are not on this marriage journey alone. We have never been left alone for one moment, even in our moments of less-than-Christ-like behavior. Even when we've told God "It's okay, we've got this. We can work it out on our own, thank you very much!" He has never once abandoned us or allowed us to wallow for days on end in our selfishness and anger. We don't always succeed, but I truly believe he is showing both Ben and I how to think before we speak, and speak lovingly. He has taught us about hope, and shown us that even in times of trial and uncertainty, He is our best friend. He has shown us how to be the best friend that the other person needs. This is turning into a list, so let's just make it official and call it what it is!

This year, I have learned...

1). To speak up, and not harbor things inside. 

2). On the flip side, I have also learned what things I  DO need to keep inside. Not everything (especially sarcastic, sassy comments) needs to be said. 

3). To pick your battles. (See #2). 

4). Not to assume that every time Ben seems silent and distant, he is mad at me. 99% of the time, he is simply exhausted from work and is pondering something that went on there.

5). To pray for Ben. While engaged, I remember doing this all the time. Now that Ben and I are under the same roof and not facing the same set of temptations we did while dating, it's easy to get used to him being here and neglect that essential act. My focus shifts from myself and onto him, and his needs.

6). To enjoy cleaning. Okay, so this is a BIT of a stretch, but I'm learning that it doesn't have to be a burden to me, but instead a way to show Ben that I love him, and care about our home. I love when he can come home and completely relax, and not have to worry about anything. It's a small gift I can give him. (For the record, he's pretty awesome about cleaning with me, going grocery shopping and cooking meals when he has the weekends off!)

7). To trust. To trust God in what He's doing in our lives and to trust Ben with my heart. 

8). To not take time with Ben for granted. Whether it's 5 minutes or 5 hours, time with my best good friend is precious.

9). To think of Ben (and others, for that matter) more than myself. Selfishness and marriage do not belong in the same sentence...I'm slowly but surely learning this.

10). To love, even when it's hard. This is a continual process, but choosing to love, even when it's tough, has only served to strengthen our marriage.

All of these things are little tiny drops in the bucket of our married life. Those lessons, the "drops", will never fully fill that bucket, because there will always be something new to learn. Some of those drops will be bigger, some will just seem bigger, and some will be more like a gentle mist. God is showing his faithfulness and his love through each lesson, no matter its size. I am thankful he has seen fit to provide such a loving, thoughtful, and kind hearted man to walk beside me. Someone who is the earthly representation of his love, even when he (Ben) doesn't think so. There were many points in my life where I wondered if my Ben would ever come, but, as God so beautifully does, he brought him into my world at just the right time. Thank you for loving me, Benjamin Cole. I love you.

Oh, and as for those golden sconces? I (literally) ran to the store to get more gold spray paint, and then scraped off as much of the gross white paint as I could. The sandpaper I used left grooves and scratches in the once smooth sconces, but once they were painted gold, they didn't look half bad. (We're fans of the rustic look anyway!) Most importantly, apologies were made and forgiveness was given. Isn't grace a beautiful thing?

We both agreed that we will keep those cheap, and now slightly gaudy, sconces forever, and leave them gold. Wherever we go, they'll be hanging on the wall as a reminder that no matter the silliness or the size of our arguments, God's love, grace and forgiveness are MUCH bigger. There is no "golden sconce experience" too big for Ben and I to handle because of our God's great love. For that, I will always be thankful to the one with whom all things are possible. 

Morning Glory Hallelujah...Muffins! (Recipe below)

As much as I love to bake, I'm finding it strange that this is the first recipe I'm posting a recipe...but hey, there's a first time for everything! I know muffin recipes don't typically have a "Hallelujah!" at the end, but as good as these were, I felt they merited that.

I first had this deeelish creation at one of my favorite coffee shops, Sames & Cook, located just down the road in the heart of Mt. Gilead. This charming, beautifully preserved vintage cafe was my after school oasis in the spring as I blocked "The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe". The carb and pastry loving side of myself would always scream "GET A PASTRY!!!" as I gazed longingly into the clear case on the counter, but I managed to obstain (probably when I still thought the illusions of a bikini body were possible for this summer).

Until last week.

As I watched my friend pay for a couple of saliva-inducing baked goods, I knew I was done. I had to get this muffin that was staring at me with its beady little raisiny eyes...I just had to. Even it's name, "Morning Glory", implied that it was a true delight, and it WAS. I could taste the different spices, like cinnamon and allspice, and I loved the chunks of walnuts and slivers of carrots sprinkled throughout the muffin. The MG's (Morning Glory, obviously) also had coconut flakes in them, but I couldn't even taste them, which was another plus for me. I took half of it home, intending to share it with my carb lovin' man but as soon as I put it in the fridge, I promptly took it back out and ate the rest. Oops, my bad...sorry babe.

I knew I HAD to figure out how to make these myself, because then both Ben and I could have our own muffins, no sharing required! I thought they were a recipe that was original to the coffee shop, but when I googled  them I was super excited to see that there were about 874,904839 Morning Glory  Muffin recipes! And bonus- they're HEALTHY. Many of the recipes sounded similar, but I was looking for a recipe that included carrot, coconut, and walnuts. I found two out of the three ingredients in this recipe from Eatingwell.com. Full of good things like whole wheat flour, coconut oil, fresh carrots and raisins, it would be a perfect breakfast...paired with a hot cup o' joe, of course! Best of all was that my Texan gave them a HUGE thumbs up!

All of these things are great for your body!

Coconut oil...good for SO many things.

Molasses and honey, honey!

Chopping/Grating apples=not hard.

Grating carrots=HORRIBLE. Why is this the worst thing ever??

Put it all together and what do you get?

A puppy! Oops, I meant to say...

Muffins, glorious muffins!

Mmm....

Chunky and healthy, yet NOT dense!

Mr. Ben gives it two thumbs up! Warm carbs are the way to this man's heart.

(I adapted the recipe just a smidge, so I've written it out below with the changes I made. I doubled the original recipe in order to make enough to put in my large muffin tin, which yielded 12 large muffins).

Morning Glory Muffins
2 cups whole-wheat or white whole-wheat flour
1 cup old-fashioned rolled oats, plus 4 tablespoons for garnish
4 teaspoons baking powder
2 teaspoons baking soda
4 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
4 large eggs
2 cups unsweetened applesauce
2/3 cup honey
4 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/2 cup coconut oil, melted if necessary (see Tip)
2 cups shredded carrots
2 cups shredded or chopped apples
1 cup unsweetened shredded coconut, plus 4 tablespoons for garnish
1 cup walnuts (optional)
1 cup raisins (or dried cranberries, dates...whatever dried fruit suits your fancy)

1).  Preheat oven to 350°F. Coat a 12-cup muffin tin with cooking spray
2). Whisk whole-wheat flour, 1/2 cup oats, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, salt and allspice in a medium bowl.
3). Whisk eggs, applesauce, honey and vanilla in a large bowl. Whisk in coconut oil. Gently stir in the flour mixture just until moistened. Fold in carrots, apples, 1 cup coconut, walnuts, and raisins.
4). Divide the batter among the muffin cups. Sprinkle with the remaining 2 tablespoons each oats and coconut.
5).Bake the muffins until they spring back when lightly touched and a toothpick inserted in the center comes out with only moist crumbs attached, 30 to 35 minutes (mine only took 25 minutes!). Let stand in the pan for 10 minutes before turning out onto a wire rack. Serve warm or at room temperature.


Happy muffin-ing!

D.